Fashion for the Discriminating Idiot

4 Oct

Yes folks, it’s Fashion Week in Paris again! You know what that means, don’t you? All the insane idiots are out in droves waiting eagerly to see the heinous creations designed by people who should be in straight jackets on the cat walk!

Oh, here comes the first models. Let’s look, shall we?

My, my, my, it looks like the FTD guy put his wings on the wrong way today. Well, I guess it doesn’t matter because anytime you need to fly away, just put on this hat and you’ll be good to go.

Here we have a lovely look. Drab, bed sheets become the look of the decade complete with cotton candy hairdos! Can you just imagine the looks you’ll get when you walk into a party wearing any of these? People will want to stay far away from you, but that’s okay. You haven’t taken a shower in two weeks.

Our old pal, Louis Vuitton, has outdone himself once again. He’s taken the Afro to new levels by sticking it on a twig and adding a bow. Everyone will be wearing this look at the bowling alley this year so don’t be left out!

Forget the Chiquita Banana lady, here comes Queen of the Nile! Yes, you too can have villagers following you around at the grocery store chanting, “Ooga, la, la! Ooga, la, la!” Just be sure to use your power for good, not evil.

If you want to attract a Klingon, this is the way to do it. No red-blooded…errr, green-blooded….umm, acid-blooded? Well, whatever kind of blood a Klingon has (do they have blood?), could resist you in this fabulously, futuristic, fiasco of a dress. Don’t feel bad if you don’t get a Klingon either, maybe you’ll land a Ferengi.

What a show, eh? All you fashionistas can purchase any of these fashion finds at where you’ll pay $1.2M to look like these dumb asses! Happy shopping!


A List of Things To Do for Insomniacs

30 Sep
Now that I’m in my mid-forties, I’ve started experiencing insomnia for the first time in my life. It sucks. You are completely exhausted. You can hardly form coherent words. You crash into bed ready to zip off to dreamland. Then…your eyes pop wide open and you couldn’t sleep even if you had lavender aroma-therapy, sounds of crashing waves floating above you, or the most expensive pillow-top mattress in the world.

You have insomnia.

So you lie in bed staring at the ceiling. You toss and turn about 500 hundred times. You try reading, watching TV, or writing down your crazed thoughts because maybe you’ll get to sleep if they’re out of your head. Well, I’ve got better things you can do with that extra time, and when you’re done you’ll be ready to get some ZZZZs:

1) Clean Out Your Car
There are things in there that you don’t even know about. When you can’t sleep is a perfect time to check under the seats, open the trunk (what’s that smell?), and dig around the glove compartment. You might even find some extra money you can use to buy some sleeping pills.

2) Organize Your Sock Drawer
Finally, you have the time to figure out how to keep your socks organized! No more scrambling around to find a match. Pull out all of your socks and find their mates (if only dating was this easy) then throw all the singles away. Fold them nice and neat then place them in the drawer in an orderly fashion. You can even arrange them from darkest to lightest…short to longest…dressy to casual. There are a multitude of things you can do with socks!

3) Declutter Your Email Inbox
How many times have you told yourself, “I’ve got to get all this crap out of my Inbox,” but you’ve never had the time? Here’s a perfect opportunity! Simply go through each of your 1,432 emails and delete those you’ve haven’t looked at for 6 months. Do you really need to keep the email from your Uncle Joe with the blonde jokes? You can dump the email about the concert you wanted to see because that was two weeks ago and you never did anything about it since it got buried in the 500 other emails you got that same day. We are decluttering here people! Work with me!

4) Put Away Decorations from Long-Gone Holidays
You’re a busy person. You don’t have time to put glow-in-the-dark ghosts, Christmas lights, or Easter baskets away in August. You do now. The neighbors will really appreciate not having to explain why reindeer are clustered in a make-shift grave yard while pink bunnies look on in horror in your front yard.

5) Throw Out Soiled Foods in Your Refrigerator
The 12 baking soda boxes are no longer doing the trick. You know you need to dump the rotting whatcha-ma-call-it way in the back of your fridge but you’ve been dreading it. Every time someone opens the door they pass out. Since you’re not sleeping you no longer have an excuse. It has to be done. First make sure you get some work gloves, a mask, and some kitchen tongs. We don’t want anyone to catch Ebola now do we?

Tonight you no longer have to stress about your insomnia. Now you have a handy list of things you can do that will help you stay organized. If you fall asleep while you’re trying to untangle the Christmas lights or  in the midst of handling a moldy piece of casserole, don’t come crying to me. I’ll be organizing my socks.

(Photo: Buzzle)

Getting Serious About Humor Writing

28 Sep
The biggest myth about writing humor is you can either do it or you can’t. Like some humor fairy cast a spell on you when you were a baby and those who didn’t get the spell are just not funny, even boring. Not true.

I’ve discovered that you can work that funny bone and pump it up.
The key: practice. Errrr, duh! I’m not kidding (really). That little saying your mom told you when you were seven years old, sitting at the piano, hating every minute of it while your friends were playing outside is true. “Practice makes perfect.” In my case, it’s not perfect but much better than the crap I started writing two years ago. I won’t make you suffer by referring to it.

I read an interview with Dave Barry on writing humor. If you don’t know who he is, then immediately go here and discover what you’re missing. Geez, don’t you people get out? Barry had a few things he shared about humor writing you all might find interesting:

Develop a Strong Sense of Pacing

If you’re telling a funny story about a squirrel in somebody’s pants, you can’t take forever to get to the punch. Don’t describe what the person liked to eat or read. Tell us that he had a squirrel in his pants but a bunch of people thought he was break-dancing so they “ooed” and “ahhed” and threw money at him. Later they found out about the squirrels. One guy tried to catch the squirrel and put it in his pants so he could get on “So You Think You Can Dance.”

Get Serious About Being Funny

Barry says, “If  you’re gonna write humor you have to take it just as seriously as if you were gonna write about anything else. You have to really work hard to get it to work. It’s not sitting and talking to your friends…you may be very funny sitting and talking to your friends but there’s a definite craft involved in writing for strangers and getting them through something that you’ve written in a way that they find it to be amusing.” Normally, we think of funny people as just being that way. But they work hard at it.

Have a Real Reader Read Your Writing

Barry says that humor writing is tough. If you write something about the IRS Code and people read it, they don’t expect it to be funny. But if you’re a humor writer you’re basically saying to your readers, “This is going to be funny.” You may think it’s funny, but the world might not. If it’s not, then you suck. You sucked at getting the readers to laugh. Getting a real reader to read your stuff before you put it out there is good because you can get an idea on whether or not a total stranger will think it’s funny. Then find out why they think it’s funny.

Find Humorous Topics

Barry’s answer here was insightful. He says, “Humor is really closely related to fear and despair. I believe the reason people have a sense of humor is if they didn’t, then they would look around, they would realize, with their perfectly rational brains, that we live in an extremely dangerous, scary world, run by all kinds of forces over which we have no control, and we’re all gonna get older and sicker and die.If we can’t react to that in some way that allows us to release the fear and the anxiety that that realization comes along, we’re in deep trouble. So we laugh.” To me, this is brilliant. If you think about most really good humorists or comedians, they do this so well.

Follow this advice, and maybe someone else other than your mom will think you’re funny.

Review: Planet Mom Tshirts

25 Sep
Yup, that’s me with my Planet Mom Tshirt that reads, “Botox Free.” If you click on the photo you can see that I’m telling the truth. I don’t care if botox makes me look like Jennifer Anniston, I will NEVER inject botulism into my face. That is just beyond crazy.

Anywhoo…back to my review!

Overall Comments

I found these shirts by watching Kathy Griffin: My Life on the D List. She had this very shirt on and I said to myself: I. Want. One. I simply Googled “Botox Free Tshirt” and there it was! I looked around the site and found other hilarious shirts I had to have. Like, “Whine. No. Wine. Yes.” and “Be nice to me. I might talk about you on my blog.” I always get comments whenever I wear these shirts and the best thing is, they go with everything! Jeans, shorts, shirts…and my favorite SWEATS! I have even bought a shirt for my BFF and she loves it.

Does it do what it says it does?

The tagline on the site says, Where apparel with a sexy fit and irreverent wit is our domain.” I would say that YES, these shirts do what they set out to do, they are awesome! The shirts are designed to fit a woman’s body so they don’t bag or droop. My advice is to order a little large if you don’t want it too tight. The material is high-quality, 100% cotton so the more you wash them the softer they get.

Is the price for what you get fair?

They are a little more expensive than your everyday $10 tshirt. Short-sleeve tshirts go for $28 and long-sleeve tshirts go for $32, but it’s totally worth it.

Random Chick Rating

ROCKS! To all the moms out there…invest in a good tshirt that also has an attitude. You’ll be glad you did!


Check out Random Chick’s review system. She’s not completely random!!

Let’s All Just Give Up

24 Sep

Can’t afford health insurance? Mad at public education suckiness? Upset at our reliance on coal-burning energy? Sick of politics?

Just give up. Don’t even try anymore. Forget about it.

Government isn’t going to help. It’s just going to make it WORSE! Electing a new, hopeful, and bright president isn’t going to improve things. He (noticed how I didn’t say she here…it’s a long way away, baby) will just try his hardest and get nothing accomplished. Voting on propositions isn’t going to do a damn thing. The group on the opposite side of how you vote will just over turn it anyway. Boycotting big corporations doesn’t work either. The CEO will just get a “Golden Parachute” if he is fired (okay, there are a few women CEOs but you don’t find many caught up in scandals or oil spills).

So what the hell are we supposed to do? GIVE. UP.

Just keep doing what you are doing. Eat. Sleep. Work. Eat. Sleep. Work. Eat. Sleep. Work. Because if you try to do anything about it, you’ll just get stressed out and die of a heart attack. It’s better to put your head in the sand, go about your daily activities, and then die.

I came to this conclusion after watching The Daily Show the other day. Jimmy Carter was a guest and was pimping his new book, White House Diary. Apparently, he found 5,000 pages of notes he had dictated while his was president and made them into a book. He found about 40 things that bothered him while he was president that are still an issue today. He didn’t list all those things so I’m not going to do it here. He wants people to buy the book! Anyway, here was an interesting part of the interview:

Jon Stewart: Do we ever learn? Do we ever find solutions to the problems? Does it give you hope as you look through this?

Jimmy Carter: No. (without a beat)

Jon Stewart: You could have taken a little longer with your answer!

Jimmy Carter: Well, things have gone down hill within the last few years. The polarization of our country. The evolution of a new kind of politics….

I’m not going to get into ideologies here. I don’t necessarily think Jimmy Carter was a great president nor do I really agree with his point of view on everything. I agree with him on the fact that things appear to NOT be getting better. I can quote a whole bunch of statistics to support this but I’m not going to because we all feel it in our bones.

What’s the solution? What’s the solution? There are probably hundreds of good solutions, and not just one. But, they probably will never see the light of day because we keep f*cking things up. So who knows? For now unfortunately, I think we should just give up.

(Photo: The Huffington Post)

Overscheduled and Overwhelmed

20 Sep
Why do so many parents feel compelled to sign their kids up for soccer, music lessons, art class, dance, gymnastics, softball, or whatever so that everybody in the family is running around like chickens with their heads cut off trying to be on time for all these things? It’s a trend I’ve noticed since having my first child and it has me worried.

At first, we gave in to the pressure to get our daughter into everything possible before she was three years old. We took her to ballet class and she looked so damn cute in her little pink tutu. But, she seemed more interested in making faces at herself in the mirror than she did in learning to plié or relevé. We thought perhaps ballet wasn’t for our daughter so we got her into soccer. She loves to run so we were sure this would grow to be her “thing.” Well, she loved running and did so but everywhere except where the ball happened to be. By the time our daughter turned five, we started to get nervous that maybe we’d never find her special talent. All the other kids seemed to have settled into something that suited them whether it was a sport or a fine arts activity. Desperate, I signed my daughter up for expensive gymnastic lessons at a renowned center for training potential Olympians. My thought was that maybe community center classes weren’t focused enough so perhaps my daughter would do better with tougher coaches. Wrong. She tried very hard but kept getting injured and down on herself for not being able to do handstands or back bends as fast as the other girls in her class.

Then my son turned four years old and I hadn’t gotten him into anything! I panicked! I immediately pulled out the community center guide and got him into a Taekwondo class. He hated it! The first class he cried the whole time because the instructor yelled, which is what they do in Taekwondo , but my son thought the instructor was yelling at him. Every week when Wednesday at 4:30 pm came around, I’d dread it because I would have to literally drag him to class and practically do the punches and kicks with him. After a summer of dragging my kids to classes that were expensive and they didn’t want to go to, I just decided to drop the whole thing and not sign my kids up for anything. *gasp*

It was tough because a lot of my kids’ friends were involved in sports or other activities and I didn’t want my kids to feel left out. After a while with no extra-curricular activity that we had to dash to right after school, my kids seemed to just relax, and so did I. But am I depriving my children of learning experiences because I don’t want to drive them all over the place? Will they miss out on a once-in-a life opportunity to find their talent? I really don’t think so. Stressed-out kids, and a stressed-out Mom, aren’t really in a place to enjoy the experience no matter how cool or life-enriching it may be so I’ve put those worries to rest.

What does worry me however is that my kids may be behind the eight-ball when they do decide to join a soccer team, art class, or try a musical instrument when they are older. Why? Because the kids who have been playing that sport or musical instrument have been doing so since they were three years old and may reach almost professional status by the time they are in their ‘tweens. I worry that we as parents are still pushing our kids into things at too young of an age, and not allowing them to PLAY and be children. Again, I’m not judging anybody because the pressure is real. We feel compelled to get our kids exposed to as many things as possible so they will have all the opportunities in the world. Our intentions come from a very loving place. However, I believe it has be age appropriate and not overwhelm the child OR THE PARENTS! What good are we doing our kids if we constantly complain about taking them to the soccer game, or to softball practice, or to piano lessons? We are sending a weird message to them if we say, “Jimmy, let’s get you into soccer so you can experience what it’s like to play on a team but it’s a major pain the ass for us to get you there.” Maybe soccer can wait for a year or two. Maybe it’s better if you aren’t stressed out, trying to get Jimmy to all his extra-curricular activities THEN get home to do homework, get dinner made, and get everyone to bed so they’ll get enough rest to do it all over again the next day.

As for me and my kids, we are focusing on school, being together as a family, and playing. We’ll have plenty of time to worry about schedules in a few years.

THIS IS MY OPINION and it is NOT A JUDGMENT on how other Moms decide to do things. Are we okay, K? Okay.


Our Survey Says!

18 Sep

I just had to put a photo of Richard Dawson with the post. I mean, c’mon!

Anywhoo, thank you to everyone who took my Are You Living Consciously Survey. I will end the suspense and reveal the responses as I’m sure you are all just sitting by your computer waiting to find out what they are…if so, please go directly outside your door and walk around. You need a life!

Here we go!
28 people took the survey (which amazes me really because I thought I only had 7 blog fans)
All 28 people answered every question

Responses to: Do you ever feel like you are drifting through life with no direction?
Always – 10.7%
Sometimes – 64.3%
Never – 25%

Responses to: Do you know how you got to where you are today?
Yes, it was my choice. – 75%
No, stuff just kind of happened to me. – 21.4%
I have no clue how I got here.3.6%

Responses to: Are you doing what you want to do with your life right now?
Yes – 53.6%
No – 25%
I Don’t Know – 21.4%

Responses to: Do you find yourself wasting your time doing things that aren’t important rather than focusing on completing the things that are very important?
Always – 21.4%
Sometimes – 75%
Never 3.6%

Responses to: Do you know what you want out of life?
Yes – 85.7%
No – 7.1%
I Have No Clue – 7.1%

Responses to: If you could change one thing about your life to live more consciously, what would it be?
Set a Goal and Work Toward It – 17.9%
Show More Appreciation to Important People In My Life – 10.7%
Spend My Money on Things That Align with My Values – 0%
Use My Time on Things That Are Important To Me – 46.4%
Make a Positive Impact on My Children, Family, Friends, or The World – 25%

Responses to: How will you keep yourself on track for making that one change to live more consciously?
Keep A Journal – 10.7%
Review My Progress in 3 Months – 25%
Ask a Friend or Family Member to Keep Me Accountable – 14.3%
Invest in a Life Coach – 3.6%
I Don’t Know – 46.4%

What do these results tell us about ourselves (all 28 of us). Well, for one most of us are attempting to live consciously. We know how we got to where we are in our lives, and we’re doing what we want with our lives right now. We sometimes goof off and we’d like to do less of that but we don’t know how.

Now…why is living consciously so important to us? Well, I can only answer for myself. I don’t want to be a zombie, walking through life without a brain only focused on what I need for my own existence. I don’t really want to eat brains either. Although some people have told me that head cheese is really good. I simply say, no thank you.

Living consciously to me means thinking about your actions, both good and bad, and how those affect other people. It also means making decisions based on what you value in life and living your life in a way that aligns with your values. It means taking responsibility for when you are a zombie and attempting to always improve.

Hope you enjoyed my little survey and that I’ve given you some food for thought. By the way, you might want to visit Zen Habits if you have time. It’s a great web site for tips and advice on living consciously.

%d bloggers like this: