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How Rude!

30 Aug
(Photo: Mzchiefphotos)

Is it just me or is the level of rudeness increasing lately? The other day I witnessed two events that make me believe we are in a world of hurt when it comes to common decency and social etiquette.

I was in Starbucks waiting patiently in a line for my beloved caffeinated chocolate delight. As soon as the person in front of me paid for her order, I was about to step up to the bright-eyed, twenty-something girl behind the cash register to place my order when a woman shoved her way in between me and the counter. I was taken aback but thought maybe this woman was correcting a mistake in her order, but no. She leaned over to the pastry display and stated very loudly, “I want those last two Pumpkin Loafs. Save them for me.” Then she turned and went to the end of the line. She did not say excuse me or Please or Thank You or I am the most important person in the world and you should have known that. The girl behind the cash register looked completely dumbfounded. I gave her my look of shock as well. Then asked her, “May I please have those two pumpkin loafs?” She busted out laughing and so did I. Of course, I didn’t really get them. But, I should have.

Over the weekend, the whole family was running errands and our next stop was Costco. We usually have to drive through a canyon to get to our local store and were doing so when we noticed  a Toyota Camry that was very close to back of our car. The Hubby was driving well within the speed limit, and he happened to be keeping pace with the mini-van to the left of us. Apparently, Mr. Camry was not very patient. He kept switching lanes behind our car and the mini-van. Then the mini-van slowed down a bit. This enabled Mr. Camry to go into the lane behind us and pass the mini-van, which he did. He abruptly applied his brakes once he was in front of the mini-van, then he flipped the bird out his window as if to signal, F*ck you, slow poke! Not only was this rude, but he almost caused an accident to prove his point. The woman driving the mini-van was barely able to brake in time and miss rear-ending Mr. Camry. She should have hit him.

Anyone have stories to tell about recent rudeness you’ve encountered? Please share and tell me how you handle rude people (without getting punched or shot at).

Epic Fail

24 Jun

We’ve all seen some pretty bad failures in our life times. But, I gotta say this one is pretty epic. The other night while watching one of my FAV shows on TV right now, The Daily Show, I realized exactly how long oil has been spewing into the Gulf of Mexico: 66 days to be exact.

Let that sink in.

Gallons and gallons of oil every minute for 66 DAYS! Can I get a collective, “WTF?!!!!!!!”

Sure, those of us who don’t live in that area aren’t affected right now. So who cares? We should care. We have no clue what the long-term effects of this disaster will be not just to the Gulf region but elsewhere. Unfortunately, globs of oil won’t stay in one place. Ocean currents have already carried oil to the beaches of Pensacola and beyond. The Huffington Post sites 7 long-term effects we should expect just based on what we’ve seen from the Exxon spill 21 years ago. Just based on what’s happened so far, we just might all be in a world of hurt because of this epic fail:

  • The local fishing economy in the area is pretty much gone for the foreseeable future.
  • BP’s business is in the toilet, and the many investors in the company have already lost craploads of money. 
  • The U.S. Government set up a $20B escrow fund to help victims…but you know somehow taxpayers will be paying for it too.
  • Thousands of species have already died, and most likely millions more will die.

I think the biggest epic fail in all of this is the lack of leadership and communication. No one has come out and said, “We f*cked up. The way we’ve been doing oil drilling is clearly not working and something has to change.”

Why is it that we have to be hit over the head with a sledge hammer–or the worse environmental disaster in history–to see that things need to change? I was wrong. I think that is the biggest epic fail of all.

The sh*t storm is coming. God, help us.

OUCH!

17 Jun

Today, I reinvented stupid.

It was my daughter’s last day of 1st Grade and the teacher was having an ice cream party to celebrate. I volunteered to help out and arrived a little early. One of the other moms asked if I could heat up the chocolate and caramel sauce so that it would be easy to pour over the ice cream. No problem. The teacher had a mini-microwave right by the sink. I popped the jar of chocolate sauce in and cranked it up to 3 minutes. This was an OLD microwave, circa 1980. I figured it would take more time for that antique to warm up the chocolate sauce.

I went about helping set out the paper bowls and plastics spoons. Then I heard the microwave go ding! Opening the door, I grabbed the jar and spilled the bubbling, gooey chocolate it all over my thumb.

Four, three, two, one…”YEEE-OUCH!!” I screamed.

All the children whipped their heads over at me as I sprinted to the sink and doused my right thumb. The teacher asked, “Are you okay?”

“I’m fine. Just spilled some hot chocolate sauce on my thumb.”

While my thumb was under the cold water, it was fine. It didn’t hurt at all. Whew, I avoided a major catastrophe there. Then I turned off the water, shook my thumb dry, and went to go scoop some ice cream.

Four, three, two, one…”YEEE-OUCH!!”

The feeling had returned and it felt like something with 9-inch claws was ripping the skin off my thumb. The pain continued to get worse. I ran from the classroom with the ice cream scooper in my hand leaving the other parents, the teacher, and the children (including my own daughter) dumbfounded. As I made my way across the campus toward the main office, I was whispering “pain, pain, pain!” to myself. I passed by the janitor who must have thought I was on drugs because he followed me to the office.

“Do you have anything for burns?!” I asked the office lady while I held my throbbing thumb.

“Umm, we aren’t allowed to use analgesics but we have ice in the freezer,” she answered.

The janitor walked through the door and looked at me side-ways, then he saw me grasping my thumb and the office lady hand me a bag of ice. He must have figured all was okay because he turned and walked back out.

“Thank you,” I told the office lady. The ice immediately numbed the pain so I went back to the class. When I walked in, my daughter ran up to me with a concerned look on her face. “Mommy, what happened? Are you okay?”

“Yes, dear. I’m okay. I just burned my thumb a little. That’s all.”

I took the ice bag off my thumb and went back to my job of scooping the ice cream to eager 7 year-olds.

“Can I have chocolate and orange sherbet?”

“Yes, you can,” I said to the little boy. I dug into the chocolate ice cream then…

Four, three, two, one…”YEEE-OUCH!!”

The pain returned, even worse. It felt like I was roasting my thumb over an open fire. I grabbed the bag of ice and put it over my thumb. The little boy had no sympathy. He gave me a dirty look and said, “Is that all I get?” He glanced at his measly lump of chocolate ice cream sitting in the middle of his bowl.

“Oh, here’s another scoop.” I attempted to scoop while holding the bag of ice with my thumb but all that happened was the orange sherbet got all over the bag of ice. 

“You got my ice cream on your bag of ice!” That kid had no feelings.

I ended up asking one of the other parents to take over my job scooping ice cream. When the party was over, my bag of ice had completely melted but the cold water inside was still keeping the pain at bay. I did my best to suck it up when the water wasn’t helping any more as I drove us home. We got into the house and I made a b-line for the First Aid Kit that contained BetadinePLUS + Pain Reliever.

Ahhhhhhh! Much better.

A few hours later and I glanced at my thumb, which is now red, swollen, and blistered. Yup, that was a smooth move on my part. Stupid.

By the way, don’t Google “ouch,” “ow,” or “yeouch” looking for images. You will get totally grossed out. I know some of you are going to do it any way. Just remember, I told you NOT to do it.

Would Jesus Cause a Car Accident?

7 Jun

I don’t think Jesus would cause a five-vehicle accident. Do you? Click on the link below to see what I’m talking about:

Jesus Causes Car Wreck


What Is Going On Around Here?

21 May

Basically, I have no clue.

My life lately has been a blur of grocery shopping, laundry, work, tantrums, emotional 7 year-old drama, doctor appointments, and attempting to lose weight (with no luck…maybe I do need to give up all those Starbucks Mochas but they are my only break from the monotony of life right now and I’m not ready to let them go yet).

Have you ever wondered what things would be like if you got exactly what you always wanted? Well, I will probably sound like a whiny, ungrateful bitch but that’s where I am.

I wanted to marry a decent, loving, and loyal man. I did. It’s been great…in fact, I’ve had the best times of my entire life with this man. I got exactly what I wanted.

I wanted to have two healthy children, preferably a boy and a girl. I did. They are WONDERFUL children: well-behaved (for the most part), sweet, kind, funny, and thriving. It is what every mother on this planet would want, and I have it.

I wanted to live in a place that has diversity, beautiful scenery, and culture. We live in the San Francisco Bay Area. You can’t get more diverse, beautiful, and access to nature and culture than here. I’m telling you. I live here.

I wanted a house that wasn’t too big or too small; a home for our growing family that we could afford without stressing out about making the mortgage payment each month. We bought a lovely home that backs up to a Regional Park so it feels like we live close to nature. We got our home.

I wanted a job that would pay pretty well, give me flexibility, and let me be fairly creative (okay, not so much that last part but the others are there). I’m a freelance writer, working from home and making an okay living while being there for my children. Check.

I wanted to publish a book before I died, and last year I self-published my “Stupid Poetry: Volume I.” Okay, so it wasn’t exactly what I wanted. No book signings. No major sales or movie offers. But I did it and it’s out there eagerly waiting to be read. Check. Done with that.

So…

You’re probably gagging right now. Sorry. But, I have to say it: why am I still feeling unfulfilled? Why do I still wake up every morning and hope I get through the day without feeling like I haven’t done shit with my life? WTF, is wrong with me?

WHAT IS GOING ON AROUND HERE?

Here, I come full circle and end with: I have no clue.

I’ll Drink to Your Rectum

21 Apr

Ever wonder what it would be like to throw back a beer inside of an ass? Well, just visit The BarRectum.

An actual bar built inside a giant anatomical model representing the human digestive system, from tongue to anus. Dutch design firm Atelier Van Lieshout created it several years ago for the Vienna Museum Quarter.

BarRectum, Arsch Bar, Asshole Bar, Bar Anus. While the translations sound different, the form is universally recognizable. The bar takes its shape from the human digestive system: starting with the tongue, continuing to the stomach, moving through the small and the large intestines and exiting through the anus. While BarRectum is anatomically correct, the last part of the large intestine has been inflated to a humongous size to hold as many drinking customers at the bar as possible. The anus itself is part of a large door that doubles as an emergency exit.

I wonder if anyone ever got kicked out on their ass from this bar? LOL!

We Need a New Definition of Celebrity

17 Feb


Whenever I’m trying to write and my brain goes dead, I immediately go to the celeb-u-gawk sites on the Internet. Why? Oh, I don’t know. I guess it’s because I figure if my brain is already dead I don’t need to revive it.

What was I saying? Oh, yes. So I went to one of my favorite places, OMG on Yahoo and what do I see? Speidi. NOOO!!! I have NEVER watched The Hills (and I’m not even going to give you the link! Ha!) and I NEVER WILL!!! But I cannot stand these two. They make me wretch violently and run screaming to the bathroom where I can find solace. Why? Why, do they keep showing up? Why do people even care?

If you need to detox and rid your body of toxins in the most painful way possible, just go here. Your eyes may bleed, but you will see how Speidi spent their Valentine’s Day. ICK! BLECCCHH! GAAAGG!

Today I was on the phone with my BFF and she was talking about Snooki. I asked her, “A what?” She told me Snooki was actually a girl’s name from Jersey Shore. I thought Jersey Shore was a musical…little did I know. Curiosity got the best of me and a Googled “Snooki.” I really wish I hadn’t. This girl looks like an Elvira midget with failed plastic surgery. My God, girl. Do you go outside looking like that?

Seriously. We need to create a new definition of celebrity. There’s actual celebrity, you know the Meryl Streeps, Johnny Depps, Micheal Jordans, or David Sedaris’ of the world. Then there is celebritrash. Those aren’t worth spitting on. And if people do make the celebritrash famous, it’s their own damn fault.

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