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Things NOT To Do on a Family Road Trip

27 Jul

1) Give Your Son As Many Blueberries As He Wants
He will stuff his face until he can stuff no longer then he’ll tell you, “Mommy, my tummy hurts.” You’ll tell him to drink some water and suddenly he’ll hurl all over the back seat. His sister will scream, “GROSS!” Then she’ll try to flee from the car which is moving at 75 mph. Of course you’ll be on a bridge with a huge Mack truck behind you so you won’t be able to pull over and handle the situation. Your son will be crying, covered in purple gunk and your spouse will be covering his or her ears to try to block out the chaos.

2) Drive Directly Into a Massive Thunderstorm
The sky will turn ominously dark and it will start raining, hard. You’ll switch on the wipers and hold the steering wheel extra tight while you drive as carefully as possible. Without warning, your car will get pelted with marble-sized hail stones. They will continue to pummel as lightening and thunder get more frequent. You will become extremely frightened when lightening strikes within 20 feet of your car and the sound jolts you out of your seat. The hail will begin to pile up on your windshield so you have to pull over and wait for the deluge to pass. Meanwhile, your kids will be laughing and jumping all over the back seat because they think it’s the most exciting thing that’s ever happened in their lives.

3) Take Young Children to Las Vegas
While Vegas has made an attempt to appeal to families, it is still pretty much sin city. You’ll walk around the strip with your young children in the evening and illegal immigrants just trying to earn a buck to feed their families will hand you these little cards with 1-800-SLUT and graphic photos of nude women in interesting positions. Your daughter will pick one of these cards up off the ground and say, “Ewww, that’s disgusting! Why are these women naked?!” You’ll end up explaining to your daughter that some people like to look at naked women and that it demoralizes these women when they do it. Your daughter will give you a confused look and say, “Well, that’s just gross!” You’ll hope that she won’t ask you again but then you’ll walk by a huge lighted sign for a “Peep Show” with scantily clad women bouncing their butts and boobs all over the place.

3) Ask If Your Kids Have to Go Potty
Every parent does it in an attempt to avoid an accident, but it never works. You ask before you get back on the road, “Does anybody have to go potty?” Your children will look you straight in the eye and as serious as they can be will tell you, “No.” You’ll pile them into the car and drive for a while. When you’re out in the middle of nowhere with no exits in site, no rest stops, no gas stations, your kids will yell, “I have to go potty!!” You will also be in the desert with no trees or bushes to hide behind, so you’ll pull over to the side of the road and tell your child to just GO! Boys don’t care, and they’ll just whip it out and do their business…girls on the other hand complain about peeing on their shoes or getting dirt on their hiney.

4) Ask for Directions
The age-old dilemma about driving 50 miles in the wrong direction because the driver refuses to ask for directions is not so bad…because actually asking someone for directions is worse. Most often you will ask someone who has a very thick accent and speaks too fast. He or she will make big gestures with their hands and you will try to follow them but you will have no idea what that person is talking about. You will be more lost than you already were but now you’ve wasted 45 minutes trying to understand what that person was attempting to communicate to you.

In the end, if you’re going to take a family road trip all you need is some sleeping pills. Take two before you leave and by the time you get there, you won’t remember a thing.


Taking A Wee Hiatus

13 Jul

Please don’t. You know how I hate it when you cry. We both knew that my life would get so insanely chaotic that I would need at least three days (or more) in a straight jacket. I know that cleaning dried watermelon goop off the floors sounds very exciting and all but, I need something more. I need to run free…in my pjamas through the city yelling, “I’m a princess with fairy wings, and I can fly! Fly! Fly!”

Crying only makes it harder. Your eyes get all puffy, snot begins to drip from your nose, and I can’t understand what you’re saying. There, there. You can always find some other blog to fill your need for mindless drivel until I return. Just don’t forget me. That would cut me too deep.

You know I love you. You’ll be in my heart, and in my head telling me to put some make up on and get a life.

Let me see you smile once before I go. See, now wasn’t that easy?

If you get really desperate, there’s always this.

Chicago: My Kinda Town

6 May

As promised, here’s the post of the BFF and me enjoying lovely Chicago on a beautiful Spring day.

The first thing we did after finding parking, which took like for-ever, is B-line it to Buckingham Fountain.

I had no idea how big this fountain really was, but I couldn’t help singing, “Love and marriage, love and marriage, go together like a horse and carriage!!!”

Then we went to check out some of the gorgeous tulips planted throughout the city. If you’ve never seen the tulips in Chicago during springtime, you definitely need to go check it out. It’s amazing.

Okay, so we went a little crazy with the tulip photos, but the photos don’t really even capture how gorgeous they were…and the BFF tells me that they were even more beautiful a few weeks ago! Dang!! (My boobs almost whacked me in the face during that jump in the air, but I made it out with no black eyes).

After being hypnotized by the tulips, the BFF hailed a cab:

…then we hung on for dear life! The guy was at least 60 years-old and high. He kept muttering to himself and we didn’t interrupt for fear he might actually talk to us. I would have gotten a picture of him but I had no hands free and I didn’t want him to put a hex on me for stealing his soul. Then he stopped at the wrong restaurant and squeezed in between a car in the right lane and a PARKED CAR on the right side…BARELY! Finally, we made it to McCormick and Schmick’s (on Wacker Drive…I LOVE THAT STREET NAME!) where we met the BFF’s Hubby for lunch.

Aren’t they just the cutest couple ever?! Sometimes they make me nauseous, but I still love ’em.

Once we were sufficiently stuffed, we continued to jam around the city (the BFF’s Hubby had to go back to werk but we played!!!!)

There’s this awesome fountain/art thing in Millennium Park that has two 50-foot glass block towers at each end of a shallow reflecting pool. The towers project video images of some of the people of Chicago. Every once in a while the faces make an “O” with their mouths and water comes out. It is waaaaay cool!!!! I snapped this photo out of the BFF’s car window!

We do this every time we get together. We take a super close up of us. Not sure we’ll still be doing this in 20 years or so when everything is flappy.

The BFF in all her gorgeous-ness!!! I wish I had her hair!!!

Me being a dork. The BFF is used to it after nearly 30 years.

Here’s the BFF trying to score some free Pringles. These dudes were doing some kind of promotion on Michigan Avenue and wanted us to do something. The BFF wouldn’t partake unless she got free stuff first.

I was just standing there minding my own business when all of a sudden Darth Vader whips out his light saber. Geez, we can’t take this guy anywhere…

Strike a pose. Vogue. Sort of….

I’ll do a few more posts of the night the BFF, her neighbor, and I went out for drinks. The BFF ordered a drink as big as her head. And she DRANK ALL OF IT!!!

What Was I Wearing?

1 May

After hauling her crappy clothes 1,000 miles across the US, Random Chick donned them one more time to show the BFF how badly she needed to update her wardrobe. The first of the yucky outfits is this throw back to the 1980’s:

This is only the beginning. Then Random Chick puts on the next potato bag:
This outfit comes complete with paint stains and flappy stripes (they’re coming undone…but these are so comfortable!!!):
I know what you’re thinking…did she actually wear that out in public? The answer is yes. This next ensemble is a combination of the Hubby’s old Tshirt and sweats that were once cute before Random Chick had way too many Starbucks Mochas (notice the stains on the ankle):

The next outfit wouldn’t have been too bad if Random Chick hadn’t worn her favorite pants while cleaning the shower. Now the pants look like they were in a fight with bleach and lost. The shirt also makes her look like she’s 5 months pregnant:

After trying on mounds of clothes:
And getting critique from the BFF worthy of Stacy London and Clinton Kelly on TLC’s What Not to Wear, Random Chick ended up with a whole new set of clothes:
If you recall, the goal was to not only get Random Chick in clothes that would make her look like a normal human being but to also get 5 outfits for $100. Did they do it??? Well, let’s see! The first outfit definitely adds color and brings life back into Random Chick’s wardrobe. The BFF also helped her find jeans that were NOT low rise, skinny jeans made for 14 year-old pre-puberty girls and actually fit a 40-something woman’s body:
 This next ensemble also add more color and the pants are not only stylish, but comfortable! Who knew?!
Here’s the next outfit, perfect for summer days running kids around but staying cool. Great for the Mommy on the go:
Another outfit with the jeans, great for grocery shopping and running errands or working in the classroom:
Finally, here’s the next outfit out in Chicago with the BFF enjoying the lovely Spring weather and tulips:
So were they within the $100 budget? Close…very, very close. The bill actually came to $110 (before tax and with a discount), but check out the awesomeness of these EXTRA finds:
This flowy cardigan was only a mere $19.99 and adds a little bohemian twist to the out-and-about Mommy outfit.
Even more bonus was this totally stylish rain coat for only $29.99!!! Definitely replaces the Hubby’s freebie rain jacket with the big company logo on the front. I mean Random Chick doesn’t even work there!!!
You’re probably thinking “what happened to the old crappy clothes”? Well…Stacy and Clinton would be proud:


28 Apr

Made it to Chicago but it was a bumpy ride into O’Hare. I think the pilot was on crack. Or it was this kid flying the plane.

I got my ass up at 3:45 am Pacific time and didn’t even comb my hair. After taking a look at myself in the mirror at the airport I was scared. I decided not to look at myself again. That’s just too much for that early in the morning.

We are on our way to get some foooood then we’ll go to a baseball practice game thing-y and then I will crash hard. Oh, my BFF just said I have to par-tay first then I can crash. This par-tay will be with 12 year-old kids on a baseball team and margaritas (I hope). We’ve been promised “adult beverages” but that could be Milk of Magnesia for all I know.

I’ll post photos of my crappy outfits that we are going to burn. You will see why. If you’re eyes bleed and you go blind, it’s not my fault.

Chi-Town Here I Come!

26 Apr

Random Chick is getting ready to visit her BFF in Chicago! She is so excited, she’s going to pee her pants! If you remember from her last visit, Random Chick chronicled her exploits so that none of her 9 blog fans would miss a moment.

There will be plenty to keep up on: Random Chick and BFF are going to visit Buckingham Fountain (pictured above) because last time it was October and the damn thing was shut down. Like, I know it gets cold and stuff but why do they have to shut it down, especially when visiting tourists want to take photos? That never happens in Californication.

Random Chick will also get a complete wardrobe make over, ala TLC’s What Not to Wear. Sick of sweat pants and the Hubby’s over-sized shirts, Random Chick is taking her crappy attire to Chicago where her and BFF are going to trash/burn them. Then, they’ll do the impossible. They’ll strive to get FIVE outfits from a mere $100! Can it be done? Well, you’ll just have to find out.

Oh yea, you’ll also get frequent updates from massive eating and drinking. Maybe even the BFF’s son’s baseball game.

Check back on Wednesday when Random Chick’s jet plane touches down in Chi-Town!!!!

Snow Way!

4 Mar

Been busy this week so not a whole lot of blog writing or commenting. Also, my creative spark is on strike. I’m hoping a long weekend in Lake Tahoe and piles and piles of snow will bring it back.

The weather report predicts a bunch more snow on Saturday and Sunday. Maybe we’ll get snowed in and we won’t be able to come back to reality. That would be awfully nice. The kiddos are excited to throw snow balls at each other and of course, Mommy and Daddy. This will be our three year-old’s first time in the snow. I should come back with some good stories.

Here’s to a nice, long, relaxing…well, we’ll see about relaxing…weekend.

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