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This Really Sucks

28 Mar

Random Chick cannot frequent the blogosphere at this time.

She regrets not being able to post anything worthy of 10 seconds of your time. Her grey matter has turned into lumpy oatmeal. Even though she’s tried to have a coherent thought…ummm, what were we talking about?

In a desperate attempt to remain calm, Random Chick mixed up an emergency batch of Prozac-laced bon bons while the children transformed the house into one big pile of crap. Birthday parties, a new pet Guinea Pig, and a much-too-long-visit from the Mother-In-Law visit has taken their toll on Random Chick’s last shred of sanity. She is in La-La-Land until further notice.

Please leave a message.

Have a nice day!


Clueless in Suburbia

12 Mar

If you are overwhelmed, stressed, and generally disoriented, you are not alone! There’s a Random Chick in suburbia who feels exactly the same as you do.

Lately, she’s been wandering aimlessly around the local Target looking for bright, shiny things that will put some perspective into her life. Once, she found some pretty-smelling skin cream she hoped would put some ZING back into her step but all it did was made her face break out. Life seems to plod along filled with such exciting events as the car overheating and ending up in the shop to the tune of $1,200.00! Guess that’s better than a $500 a month payment on a new car that costs $30K and is really only worth $5K (because it has an accelerator that sticks but it’s a hybrid so at least it’s good for the environment). Random Chick simply stares blank-faced at the pile of paper on her desk, dirty clothes on the floor, and emails filling up her Inbox knowing someday she’ll have to deal with them. Perhaps if she ignores them they will go away? Perhaps? One thing she cannot ignore is the incessant whining of her children who feel that she is the worst mother on the planet because they cannot have cookies and potato chips for breakfast. As if they do not have enough frenetic energy! Simply plug a large cable into these children and the energy crisis will be solved (it’s clean energy too…except when they need to poop). As for The Hubby, he tries to avoid Random Chick’s rants when she is having hot flashes or if she’s had too much caffeine. He’s a smart man, except when he tries to be funny by sticking his freezing cold hands down Random Chick’s shirt. NOT FUNNY! The years seem to be wearing on Random Chick much more than they used to…is there some kind of switch that goes off after you turn 40? Once the switch is flipped, there’s no going back except your brain is still working under the assumption that you’re perpetually 20-something when you try to show your kids how to break dance. The next morning you wake up and feel like you’ve been stuck in a blender on high. Advil doesn’t do the trick any more either. You need to go to the doctor to get something stronger, but it has side effects like uncontrollable flatulence and thick black hair that grows out of your forehead (at least you don’t have a backache anymore, right?).

At the end of the day, all the feelings of anxiety will be quieted when the children are fed, clean, and tucked snug in their beds dreaming of SpongeBob Square Pants and Patrick. Random Chick and The Hubby will enjoy a glass of wine and some mindless drivel on the plasma TV. So fear not weary ones! You too can be clueless in suburbia living the American Dream (sort of).

Kiss My Grits

7 Jan
NO ONE EVER said it better than Flo. I dare you to come up with something better than, “Kiss My Grits!”

Random Chick is busier than…

8 Sep

1. a one-eyed cat watching nine rat holes.
2. a one-legged man in a butt kickin’ contest.
3. a one-toothed man in a corn-on-the-cob eating contest.
4. a cross-eyed air traffic controller.
5. a cat with puppies.
6. a weatherman in a tornado.
7. a desert cobra at a mongoose convention.
8. a termite in a saw mill.
9. a dog scratching fleas.
10. a one-armed-pimp in a bitch-slapping contest
11. a one-armed trombone player.
12. a mosquito at a nudist colony.

So don’t expect RC to visit you any time soon. She has to change poopy underwear, go grocery shopping, do the laundry, edit a 550-page technical document, and pull out all her hair first!

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