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I’m Too Sexy For My Toothbrush

18 Oct

We haven’t had much talk here on the Random Chick Blog about sex lately so let’s remedy that, shall we?

The other day The Hubby wanted to dash off to the bedroom whilst the children were watching a kiddie program. Normally this would have been fine with me, but I’ve been having this problem lately. I feel about as sexy as a toothbrush. Not just any toothbrush either, one that has been used over and over again to try and get the bits of food out of the crevices and corners of your mouth. It is frayed and looking quite sad actually.

The Dilemma

How can I possibly get into a romp in the hay with The Hubby while feeling like an old toothbrush? Most people know that for a woman, sex and everything to do with it is all in her head. If you don’t know this and you are someone who wants to have sex with a woman, you’re going to be waiting a while. The Hubby knows this but he is a man. He can only do so much. It’s up to me to do something about it.

The Extraneous Matter

I know I’m not alone. Lots of my women friends feel the same way. After a long day at work, shuttling kids around to and fro, attempting to cook something healthy that resembles food, coaching the kids with homework, and cleaning up the mess, the last thing on your mind is sex. All you want to do is flop on the couch and watch a bunch of reality show idiots remind you that your life is not that lame. You think to yourself, maybe a glass of wine will help you unwind. Maybe your spouse or partner will rub your feet or tell you that you’re beautiful and possibly, perhaps, there might be a chance you’ll feel a spark of something…

The Conclusion?

If you’re lucky, your spouse or partner will have a wee bit more energy than you do and will attempt some foreplay rather than diving directly for the brass ring. Women. Need. Foreplay. I do not know how to say this any clearer. It takes us a while to shake off the Mommy, Driver, Servant, Referee, Detective, Judge/and Jury roles and get into something more comfortable. The brass ring is a little more difficult to reach but it’s worth it once you get it. Trust me. If you’re unlucky, your spouse or partner will make a grab for it without any preparation. Then it’s all over. The wine you had earlier finally kicks in and you’re sawing Zs faster than he can get his pants down.

I know I need to take responsibility for my sexiness. But I’m too tired most of the time. Maybe I need to see a sex therapist or I need more caffeine. I’m not sure which.

What do you do to feel sexy? Are you too tired? Got any ideas for a woman who has run out of her own? I could certainly use some!!

Throw Caution to the Wind…You’ll Be Happy You Did

10 Aug
 (Photo: Getty Images)

It’s been a while since I’ve written about The Hubby. Why? Because I’m busy…and frankly, too tired. That sounds awfully familiar. Perhaps because I often use those words,  “I’m too tired,” as the standard response whenever The Hubby wants to do the horizontal mambo…err, toss salad…get jiggy with it…you know what I mean…have SEX.

Okay, admit it. You do it too. We (women who are working their asses off raising kids, earning an income, managing the household, trying to maintain our sanity) all do it. Because we are so overloaded with life, the last thing we feel is sexy or that we want to do at the end of a long day of tantrums and whining (sometimes our kids, but mostly people we work with) is get naked and romp around with our partners. We. Really. Are. Tired. No. Joke.

Yet, one of the main ingredients for a good relationship is intimacy, or sex. If you’re like me, I find it very difficult to switch from one personna (worker, Mom, maid) to another (sex goddess) at the drop of a hat. Throw in exhaustion, insecurity about my aging body, a mild headache, and forget it. The Hubby however, can have a bad day at work, come home and help give the kids a bath, take out the trash, pay some bills, and be ready to jump in the sack for a little nookie with no problem.

So, the other day when The Hubby and I were enjoying a moment’s peace while the kids were playing nicely together, he looked at me and said, “Do you want to engage in a little afternoon delight?” This was in broad day light and the kids were in the very next room.

My response was, “You mean now?”

The Hubby suggested we go to our bedroom at the back of the house, lock the door, and see what we could accomplish before the kids discovered that we were not around. My first thought was, No way! I couldn’t possibly relax knowing the kids may come knocking on the door. Then, for some reason, the planets aligned and I decided to go with it. We ran to the bedroom, locked the door, and got down to business.

Twenty minutes later (yes, it was a quickie), we walked out of our room and checked on the kids. They were still playing and had no clue what mommy and daddy just did. Whew. 

We went about our day, smiling at each other remembering the escapade we engaged in earlier. It was kind of fun doing something a little out of the ordinary. Though I may still be tired, I discovered that sometimes it’s good to just throw caution to the wind and go with it.

Who’s Brangelina’s Free F*ck?

4 Mar


Most people on this planet would agree that Brangelina is the hottest couple since…well, since Adam and Eve. So I was wondering the other night as I was doing the dishes because my life is so glamorous…who are Brad and Angelina’s free f*cks?

You know, every couple has this agreement that they get one free f*ck if the hottest person on the planet happened to be in the neighborhood, walked up to the door, and said, “Hey, ya wanna f*ck?”

My free f*ck is Ryan Reynolds. The Hubby’s is Jessica Alba.

But I digress. Who do you think Brad’s free f*ck is? What about Angelina? If you are with the hottest person on the planet who would your free f*ck be? Perplexing question, I know. I’m very curious to see what you guys come up with…cuz I have no idea.

Analyzing Wang Chung

3 Mar


A while ago, many of you were riveted by my in depth analysis of “Sex.” Not that sex! The lusty 80’s song by Berlin, which today sounds kind of quaint. There were lots of songs from that era that perplexed me. I still think about them today so I am going to do a regular segment here where I transport all of you with me to the days of shoulder pads, big hair, and neon pants in an attempt to make sense of it all.

Today, we look at a most annoying song; one that confused us all. We loved it and hated it, then loved it again and got very ill from hearing it too many times. Hey folks, this is dangerous stuff I’m dealing with here, so if you don’t think you can take it…click away now. CLICK AWAY!!!

Everybody Have Fun Tonight
by Wang Chung

I’d drive a million miles
To be with you tonight
So if you’re feeling low
Turn up your radio
The words we use are strong
They make reality
But now the musics on
Oh baby dance with me

The first verse sounds innocent enough. But there is trouble ahead, I can just see it…

Rip it up – move down
Rip it up – move it down to the ground
Rip it up – cool down
Rip it up – and get the feeling not the word

Get the feeling, not the word? What word? I’m getting nervous about you guys.

Chorus:
Oh everybody have fun tonight
Everybody have fun tonight
Everybody wang chung tonight
Everybody have fun tonight
Everybody wang chung tonight
Everybody have fun

Have fun, okay. What? Everybody what? Wang Chung? That sounds terrible! Does it involve a wang? Who’s wang? I don’t know where that has been! Don’t come near me!

Deep in the world tonight
Our hearts beat safe and sound
Ill hold you so close
Just let yourself go down

I am so not “going down!” Let’s just get that straight here and now! GET AWAY FROM ME WITH THAT THING!! AHHHHH!

Rip it up – move down
Rip it up – move it down to the ground
Rip it up – cool down
Rip it up – get the feeling not the word

Now I see what you meant earlier! You all want me to join a gang bang, right? I’m right! Not if you were the last men on the planet…and I use that term loosely if you know what I mean. Finally, the truth is out about you and this damn song!

Repeat chorus

On the edge of oblivion
All the world is babylon
And all the love and everyone
A ship of fools sailing on

I’m no fool! I’m onto you now!!!

Across the nation, around the world
Everybody have fun tonight
A celebration so spread the word

More like spread the STD! EWWWW!

For MJ

28 Aug

Some of you know that Mistress MJ has been a busy bee at work and her blog has been sucked into some vortex of maddness: she was recruited by the Hire-a-Bitch Headhunting Agency; kidnapped by the Yakuza and forced to perform Japanese Bikini Rodeo Pie Fighting; acted in a Japanese “art film”; time and space travelled in a TARDIS; AND forced to socialize on a fellow blogger’s lawn amidst her toilet planters.
Today, she is back with a vengeance and to celebrate this momentous occasion, I’m dedicating this post to MJ.

If you decide to visit MJ, do so at your own risk. Your eyes will bleed and your mind will be warped to utter disrepair, but you’ll have fun.

I found this collection of weird and mind-boggling vintage ads. Gee, we really have evolved. Or have we? Below are my personal favorites:






The Saga of The Hello Kitty Vibrator

20 Aug


WTF?! Is what you might be saying to yourself, but I’m serious. I found this little gem on Hello Kitty Hell, a blog where one man deals with his disgust on Hello Kitty cute overload.

Apparently, this cute little product was introduced to the world as a shoulder massager. But those wacky consumers decided to use this product to massage other parts of their bodies…and these cute little devices started appearing in adult movies, and adult toy shops. Sales skyrocketed.

Sanrio, the company that makes this gadget, was not happy. But the company, Genyo, that Sanrio had originally bought the rights to this product from didn’t want to stop selling them because they were making bank. A huge battle ensued between the companies. Genyo was found to have some shady business dealings, which gave Sanrio what it needed to revolk the license and take the product off the market.

But the tale doesn’t end there…Sanrio was supposedly disgusted with the fact that these little kitties were being used, well, not as they were intended to be used however, they started popping up on the market again…in different colors.

The consumers have spoken. They want their vibrating kitties, and they want them now. You can even purchase one (or two) Hello Kitty Vibrator of your very own on Amazon.com.

Happy Shopping!

Analyzing Sex

12 Aug


You’re probably thinking, “Oh, good God! What the hell is Random Chick going to do now? Analyze the sex she had last night with The Hubby?”

No such luck folks.

Actually, I am going to analyze the lyrics to an 80s tune I was listening to the other day. The Hubby got this cool CD compilation of 80s New Wave hits, including the infamous “Sex (I’m A)” by Berlin. This song jettisoned me back to high school in an instant to a time when I was about 16, before I had “done it.” At that tender age, I remember listening to this song over and over trying to imagine what sex would be like. Now fast forward to the present day…and I’m listening to this song with new ears, experienced ears, and I’m wondering about these lyrics. Thus, the reason for my need to analyze them and take you along with me (so shut up already).

Sex (I’m A)
by Berlin

Feel the fire, feel my love inside you it’s so right
There’s the sound and the smell of love in my mind
I’m a toy, come and play with me, say the word now
Wrap your legs around mine and ride me tonight

These lyrics are sexy and I’m getting hot imagining Simon Le Bon wrapping his legs around mine and riding me (remember, I was in high school from 1981-85).

I’m a man – I’m a goddess
I’m a man – Well I’m a virgin
I’m a man – I’m a blue movie
I’m a man – I’m a bitch
I’m a man – I’m a geisha
I’m a man – I’m a little girl
And we make love together

This is where I get lost. Why is he a “man” and she’s a “goddess, virgin, blue movie, bitch, geisha, and a little girl?” Seems to me like she’s doing all the work around here. I’m a little less hot at this point while Simon is just sitting there as I’m running around changing outfits.

Slip and slide in your wet delight, feel the blood flow
Not too fast, don’t be slow, my love’s in your hands

Oooo! Okay, these lyrics are doing it for me again. Simon, get your ass off the couch and get over here!

I’m a man – I’m a boy
I’m a man – Well I’m your mother
I’m a man – I’m a one night stand
I’m a man – Am I bi
I’m a man – I’m a slave
I’m a man – I’m a little girl
And we make love together

Dammit! I get all into it and now I gotta do all the work again…this time I’m “your Mother!” WTF!? I’m sorry but I’m not into that oedipus shit. And forget the slave thing…I’m getting pissed now!

Skin to skin, tongue to oooh! Come on honey hold tight
Come inside, it’s a passion play just for you
Let’s get lost in that magic place all alone now
Drink your fill from my fountain of love, wet your lips

I would very much like to “get lost in that magic place” but I’m sure you’re gonna keep making me work my ass off! Plus, I keep forgetting if I’m a slut or a virgin. There’s a huge difference you know!

I’m a man – I’m a teaser
I’m a man – Well I’m a virgin
I’m a man – I’m a one night stand
I’m a man – I’m a drug
I’m a man – Well I’m your slave
I’m a man – I’m a dream divine
And we make love together

See, here we go again! Where’s my pink wig and pasties? I can’t find them!

I’m a man – I’m a goddess
I’m a man – I’m a hooker
I’m a man – I’m a blue movie
I’m a man – I’m a slut
I’m a man – I’m a geisha
I’m a man – I’m babe
I’m a man – I’m a dream divine
And we make love together
And we’ll make love forever

Simon, why don’t you put on the frickin’ Little Bo Peep outfit? Or here put on this loin cloth and run around sweeping the floor! Maybe that will get me back in the mood. Frankly, I’m too tired now. Forget it!

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