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5 Valentine’s Gifts He or She Will Love

11 Feb

I can never stay away for long. A few days in the blogosphere is like two weeks in my actual life. Ahhh, I’ve missed you. With that, I give you my annual Anti-Valentine’s Day post.

Here are five gifts that your special someone would LOVE to get from you this year:

5) An eCard…you don’t have to put a lot of effort or money into it yet it still says…”I Love You.”

4) A Bleeding Gummy Heart…nothing says LOVE like eating your heart out.

3) Personalized Candy Hearts…you can create that special message just for your one true love.

2) A Tshirt with a Romantic Message…wear it for all the world to see and show your love and appreciation.

1) Lingerie…get into the mood for a close encounter of the sexiest kind.

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High Tea with World Leaders

27 Jan


Random Chick cordially invites all f*cked up world leaders to join her for an elegant high tea to talk things out and come to a civilized resolution…or she’s going to have to break out her rolling pin.

Among the distinguished guests will be of course, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad President of Iran:
Mr. Ahmadinejad, please stop pointing to our other guests in a menacing manner. We all know you could blow the s*it out of us and that this is just your way of showing the world how big your male part is, and we have acknowledged that yes, you do in fact have a male part. How big it is…well, that will be up for debate after some biscotti.

We have also invited North Korea’s Supreme Leader, Kim Jong-il:
Mr. Jong-il we do not wear sun glasses for high tea, and I do not recall inviting your toadies. I don’t have enough Chamomile for everyone you know! And, just so you know, we will be discussing your title of “Supreme” leader in detail because I think you have a very different version of what is supreme than the rest of the world. Don’t look at me like that or I will send you to the laundry room!

Random Chick is pleased to see that the President of Afghanistan, Hamid Karzai, has arrived:
Oh dear! I know Mr. Ahmadinejad is pointing menacingly, but that doesn’t mean you have to as well! I thought you were one of the smart ones! And please kindly remove your hat. We are going to follow proper high tea etiquette here sir, aren’t we?

And here comes the Chairman of the Government of the Russian Federation, Vladimir Putin:
MR. PUTIN! Did you not see the dress code on the invitation? And we specifically said, NO GUNS, because we didn’t want all our guests to be assassinated before tea time! And seriously, NO ONE wants to see you with your shirt off. PLEASE put a shirt on right this minute!

Much better. I am telling you now, wipe that scowl off your face or you and Mr. Jong-il will be ironing all of my doilies with extra starch!

Finally, a feminine influence, as President of the Republic of India, Pratibha Patil, arrives:
What a lovely ensemble you’ve put together! Here my dear, sit down. Yes, I see from your two fingers that you would like world peace too. But, I know what you are thinking…NO, we will not be outsourcing high tea services to your country any time soon!

We have also invited the Paramount Leader of the People’s Republic of China, Hu Jintao:
Ummm…excuse me, Mr. Jintao, you don’t have to pretend to be on your cell phone to avoid any questions about Google. Today we will be talking about whether or not your government actually reflects what your people want and need, as it is called the “People’s” Republic of China. NO, your cell phone is not ringing! You do not have a cell phone. They are not allowed in your country, remember?

We also could not begin our high tea without the President of the United States, Barrack Obama:
Okay, can someone please tell me what’s with all the pointing? Is that all you world leaders ever do? Mr. Obama were you raised in a barn? It is impolite to point at people, even though it is much easier to do than actually do something. Did you really think it would be so easy to come in and “fix” things? Washington, D.C. is a very nasty place. Why would you even want to go there? Oh, hear I go off on a tangent. It’s all of your pointing!!! Please sit down and have some Chamomile tea.

My nosey neighbor from across the street, Dolores, is serving the tea. Thanks Dolores! LOVE your new apron, darling!

Now, that’s so nice!Mr. Obama and Mr. Putin are having a fake nice conversation. See, I knew this tea would be fun.

Oh, how sweet!Mr. Jong-il and Mr. Putin are making nice too! Ummm…don’t want to ruin all the fun but watch out for the massive wall of water behind you. Dolores, I think the washing machine is too full!

Mr. Ahmadinejad looks like he’s having a nice time with his male parts.

Ms. Patil has even decided to whistle her national anthem for us.What a treat!

Oh no! Mr. Karzai is giving his assessment of Mr. Ahmandinejad’s male parts! Dolores! We need some cookies and more Chamomile PRONTO!

I don’t believe you for one second, Mr. Ahmandinejad!

Dolores! Control yourself!!!

Oh my stars! The neighborhood women are all up in arms!

Ethel and Gladys are wresting now! Mr. Ahmandinejad! Look what you’ve done!

There goes high tea!

5 Ways to Revolt Against Valentine’s Day

13 Feb


You know it’s coming. You dread it every year. The stores begin to fill with pink and purple plastic hearts held by cute little teddy bears that say, “I love you!” in a squeeky high voice when you squeeze them. Chocolate in every possible shape tells lovers they are sweet, sexy, and super. You can’t help but gag.

If the thought of Valentine’s Day makes you want to rip all your hair out then go running into the street, then here are five ways you can revolt against Valentine’s Day that will make you less nauseous:

1. Send a Valentine Card to Your Ex

What better way to celebrate an anti-Valentine’s Day than to pick out the perfect card for your ex; one that says, “You really are something,” in that special way? Even better, pick out the sappiest card you can find with lots of deep poetry and then sign it by saying, “Just kidding! Ha ha ha!” You will find your heart beaming with joy.

2. Make a Reservation for You and a Friend at a Fancy Restaurant
You want to take a friend who has just been dumped. Be sure to get a table in the midst of lots of oogling couples. Order a few drinks and begin talking about your friend’s ex, especially how selfish he or she was for dumping your friend. Order a few more drinks and really emphasize how much relationships suck and that they never last. You can be loud here for the full effect. Then, sit back and watch the looks of horror on all the couples’ faces.

3. Go to the Grocery Store at About 5:00 p.m. on Valentine’s Day

This one takes very little effort on your part, but offers great rewards. Simply go to your local grocery store at about 5:00 p.m. You don’t have to buy anything. Just walk in and take a look around. Notice all the men running around frantically grabbing flowers, chocolates, stuffed animals, cards, whatever they can get their hands on. Be sure to get a good look at their faces. Most will look like they are trying to avert God’s wrath. They will stand in line impatiently checking their watches or answering their cell phones saying something like, “Yes, dear. I’m on my way home.” Then laugh. Just belt it out as loud as you can. If you cause a scene, that’s good. Turn around and walk out as soon as one of the anxious men notices you.

4. Rent Every Single Copy of “Ghost” at the Local Video Store

For some reason, this movie is very popular on Valentine’s Day. You can really get in on the big rush by renting every single copy of it before the big day. Don’t actually watch it. What you are doing is preventing someone else’s suffering by making sure it’s not available. No one should have to be subjected to that pottery wheel scene ever again. Think of it as a very altruistic way to revolt against the holiday. You will feel a deep sense of service to your fellow human being.

5. Buy a Stuffed Animal
Go ahead. Go to the store and buy one of those big-eyed stuffed animals holding a heart in its hands. When you get it home, subject it to all kinds of torture. Grab a bat and whack it. Throw it out in the street and run over it with your car several times. Throw rotten tomatoes at it. Take out all your pent up aggression on that furry little woodland creature. When it looks like it has been ravaged by a pack of crazed, wild dogs, pack it up in a box and send it to your ex with a note that says, “Thinking of you. Ha ha ha!”

Instead of loathing Valentine’s Day, make it an annual celebration against the holiday. Tell all your friends and family about it and get them involved too. You just may start a new tradition that will be passed down through the generations. And you may just end up looking forward to this day in the future.

Have fun!

Who’s That Chick?

5 Jan

Over the Holidays, my Dad solved a big mystery for me. See the chick up in my header and on my avatar? Well, I found that photo on a Google Image search a looong time ago and I’ve been wondering who she is for a looong time. She’s sort of become my unofficial logo. I’ve grown quite attached to her, but it’s always been a hollow relationship because she has no name. Until now…

I was showing my Dad my blog and he yelled out, “Nanette Fabray!” I was like, “Who?” Then he said, “That photo on your blog is of Nanette Fabray. She’s a comedianne and she used to be on the Sid Cesar show.” Then I responded, “OMG!!!! Now I know who my chick is!!!”

My Dad looked at me like I was psycho, which he does often so it didn’t surprise me. Of course I looked her up on Wikipedia and found out that she was born as Nanette Ruby Bernadette Fabares on October 27, 1920 in San Diego, CA and is still ALIVE! She not only is a funny comedianne but she’s also won all kinds of awards, like the Eleanor Rosevelt Humanitarian Award, and stuff (of course, I would pick a chick is is talented and funny!).

What a way to start the year! I finally know who my logo chick is, and she ROCKS!!! Go Nannette!

BTW, THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU to everyone who responded to my previous post! PLEASE forward to other people you blog with…I’m gonna try to pimp it around today to get more responses. I am compiling all your answers and will start working on a first draft. I plan to have it done in a week or two, which I’ll post here then let you all know where I submit it.

Peace out!
🙂

Ask Random Chick! THE ANSWERS

22 Aug

Some of you got a little impatient when I didn’t post my answers right away. Tsk tsk. You should know that these things take time. Each question must be carefully considered and the responses must be well thought out.

Without further ado, I present to you Random Chick’s ANSWERS to your burning questions:

MJ asked..
How do you stay so gosh darned peppy?
It’s called medication.

How many questions are we allowed?
As many as you have inside your head.

How did you meet Inner Voices?
He kept singing “Tainted Love” on my blog. I tried to ignore him but it didn’t work.

What’s wrong with his crane?
His crane has failure lacking performance dysfunction (FLPD).

Posh Totty asked:
What made you decide to start blogging?
I wanted to become a better writer. I don’t think its working.

I have left an award for you over on my blog ….. if you had to make a speach about this award, what would you say?
I would say THANK YOU and also tell you that you are one cool chick…but you already know that! 😉

Practically Joe asked:
Do you think it possible for a man who has been married more than 36 years to the same woman suddenly fall in love with … let’s say … 15 or so female bloggers he’s never met or seen before? Would it be wrong to act upon these feelings? Oh … and there’s the two male bloggers as well.
Oh … And it’s not me asking … I’m asking for a friend. He’d like to stay anonymous.

Tell your friend that he can act on his feelings but only on the Internet, and if his wife finds out the Internet will be held responsible.

Evil Genius asked:
Does this little comment box make my ass look fat? Cause it’s really pretty confining in here.
I like big butts and I cannot lie…sorry I was channeling Sir Mix A Lot there…seriously, your ass looks fine.

And what about the word verification thingie? Can you tell that my eyes go crossed when I try to fill in the right letters?
I like crossed-eyes and I cannot lie…DAMNNIT!!!

Mr. Shife asked:
What is your favorite line from “The Big Lebowski”?
When The Dude first meets The Big Lebowski and says,
“Let me explain something to you. Um, I am not “Mr. Lebowski”. You’re Mr. Lebowski. I’m the Dude. So that’s what you call me. You know, that or, uh, His Dudeness, or uh, Duder, or El Duderino if you’re not into the whole brevity thing.”

Just Bob asked:
If a Random Chick left Denver on a train traveling west at 35 miles per hour at 8:00am (Mountain Time) and just bob finally got the hell out of here and left San Francisco on a train traveling east at 30 mph at 9:00am (Pacific Time) what time and where would the trains pass each other?
*room spinning, suddenly Random Chick sees flashing lights, she stumbles then falls on the floor…a few minutes later regains consciousness*
Sorry, I just had a major flash back to 9th Grade Algebra where the teacher started speaking in tongues and I started sweating…to this day, Math still has this affect on me. I cannot answer this question, ever.

When are you going to answer these questions?
Right now.

INNER VOICES asked:
how much wood could a wood chuck chuck if a wood chuck could chuck wood?
Well, if he was hungry I would think a lot, right?

whats wrong with my crane?
Please see answer to MJ’s question above.

how is it you pretend not to be so crazy and make people believe you are a sane working mom in the city?
I don’t know.

SO DOES THIS MEAN YOU CAN’T COMMENT ON THIS POST?
Yes.

chicken? egg? which came first???
It just doesn’t matter.

whatigotsofar asked:
1)Who tells Ralph Wiggum to burn things?
The leprechaun he sees in the deep end of the pool.

2)Where did Ralph Wiggum find a moonrock?
In his nose.

3)Where is Ralph a viking?
When he sleeps.

Suzanne asked:
In my 20’s I had a major collection of shoes and clothes. Now I live in blue jeans, sweat pants, tee shirts and flip flops, just like in high school. Did I stop trying or did I get the bigger picture?
You definitely get the bigger picture.

Why do I only wear little pearl earrings?

Because you have a superb sense of classic style and you don’t follow stupid fads (I have two pairs of earrings I wear all the time: little pearls and diamond studs, that’s all a girl really needs)

Why am a so opinionated? I’d like to ease off the ass pedal. Should I, or just say screw it?
No one, especially you, should be easing off the ass pedal. Where would the fun be in that?

Anonymous Boxer asked:
how did you pick your blog name?
I used to be addicted to MySpace. Someone called me a random chick once while exchanging funning comments and since I feel the need to confess how I can survive in this insane society, I put the two together.

how did Inner Voice and MJ jack your blog?
See the answer to MJ’s question above. I inadvertently stumbled upon one of MJ’s Filthy Friday posts and kind of like heroine…I got addicted.

Can I answer Heff’s question?
You can, but my answer is the right one.

Norville Rogers asked:
I have so many unanswered questions, but I will leave you with these 3:
Why do you drive on a parkway and park on a driveway?

Because we live in an insane society…DUH!!

Why do the numbers on phones go down while the numbers on calculators go up?
Same answer as #1.

Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?!
Because God told him not to.

CSI Seattle asked:
If a light sleeper sleeps with a light on, what does a hard sleeper sleep with?
An erection…or a hard hat.

If you don’t think that my question is appropriate, then please tell us why Inner Voices crane won’t go up and down…

See answer to MJ’s question.

Roy Ape asked:
I have two questions that caused much angst and despair in my childhood years:
Who pushed Humpty Dumpty?

Mother Goose, of course!

How old is Old McDonald?
He just passed Methuselah in age on his last birthday, 967.

meleah rebeccah said:
I cannot wait to read your answers to these questions!!
Me too!

Mrs. R asked:
Why do we work our butts off in college/grad school, only to become peons at a job that will lay us off the minute they figure out how to move overseas?
I give you the same answer that I gave Norville Rogers…because we live in an insane society.

Heff asked:
Why does it hurt when I pee?
You have either gonorrhea or syphilis. BTW, I stand by my disclaimer that I am not a doctor but I’m pretty sure that’s your problem.

Valentine’s Day Crap

13 Feb


I really hate Valentine’s day.

If you’re like me, you’ll LOVE these crappy gift ideas from Suburban Turmoil.

Ahhh, romance is in the air.

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