Archive | Movies RSS feed for this section

3D Stupidity

7 Sep

I let the Hubby talk me into seeing this STUPID movie. He owes me big time for the pain and suffering I endured for 88 minutes.

First, you have to be a dude to even get the plot of this movie, which is: Boobs, butts, and blood. That’s pretty much it. What I didn’t get was why actors like Richard Dreyfuss, Elizabeth Shue, and Christopher Lloyd even gave the script for this piece of crap a second look, let alone appeared in it.

The director of this movie definitely has a thing for BIG BOOBS. He uses the 3D technology to further enhance the already well-endowed chicks in bikinis dancing around on boats during spring break. I guess for dudes, that’s what makes this movie. Not so much for this forty-something chick. I wouldn’t even recommend this as a date flick. It’s not even that scary. Guys, your date will kick you in the crotch if you take her to see this movie. Trust me.

One particularly idiotic scene must have been written by a 12 year-old boy. A “Girls Gone Wild” porno film producer, Derrick Jones, (played by Jerry O’ Connell) falls off  his yacht into the lake and gets munched up by the prehistoric piranha. One of his big, boobed chicks pulls him to safety using an oar but she realizes the lower half of his body had been chewed down to the bone. Even though he should be dead  from shock Derrick screams, “They got my penis!” In the next frame you see the piranha under water gulping down his appendage then burping it out, in 3D of course.

If Hollywood keeps making s#$% like this, people will form angry mobs with pitch forks and storm the Hollywood studios looking for the dill weeds who are making these films, and throw them to the piranha’s.

I will stop writing about this dumb-ass movie now so I can end the misery. Please, for the love of God, don’t waste your money or your sanity on it!

BLEEECHHHHH!

Sex and The Fuckit Noodles

9 Jun


Oh yes. I’ve been waiting with bated breath to see this movie. And it was sooo worth it…

On Saturday nite, Random Chick and some gal friends all got together in downtown Redwood City to see THE MOVIE. They all met up at the Century 20 Theatre looking spectacularly fabulous. After all, you can’t see Carrie, Samantha, Miranda, and Charlotte without your Manolos…now can you?

The movie started at 6:15 p.m. and the 7 fabulous women of the San Francisco Bay Area (including Random Chick, of course) arrived at 5:40 p.m. They were told to stand in a line until the previous showing had cleared out. The sexy women talked and exchanged snippets of their busy lives, including how to juggle work, family, and something that resembles a sex life. RC noticed that time seemed to be dragging on…and old men were lining up behind them. Now, old men are certainly welcome to see the movie but they aren’t the typical demographic. Never being one to sit around and wait for something to happen, RC walked over to the teenage girl who had told them to wait in line. Glancing at her watch, RC noticed that it was 6:10 p.m.

“Ummmm, when does the 6:15 p.m. showing start?” RC asked.
“Oh, it started a while ago,” said the teenager.
“Excuse me? You told us to wait in line and that you’d call us in when the movie started!” RC was clearly upset.
“Oh, wow,” the teenager said looking dazed and confused.

All of a sudden, the 100 forty-something women who were standing in line heard what was going down and they stormed the teenager yelling obscenties. RC ran for the theatre…and her life.

Luckily, no one lost any limbs in the mad rush for the theatre, and the previews were just finishing up when RC and the gals quickly selected their seats. There weren’t 7 seats in row so the friends had to divvy up…and oddly enough, there was a lone, old, beer-bellied man sitting right in between the fabulous women. RC wondered if he somehow got lost trying to find Young@Heart (a movie about a Senior Citizens’ Chorus). As the opening credits started to roll, one of the women broke out some Cosmos! This super-saavy woman began mixing these delicious cocktails and handing them out. The old man was enlisted to pass them down…but, he didn’t seem to mind. “To SEX!” the gals toasted and enjoyed the drinks as the movie began.

And the movie delivered what it had promised: great dialogue, great sex, great fashion, and great laughs (no spoilers here). Now, onto dinner! RC and the fabulous women walked over to a trendy Asian-inspired restaurant ready for delicious dishes, and of course, to dish about what they had just seen.

Perusing the menu, RC noticed the “Phuket Noodles.” This dish boasted shrimp, tamarind, garlicky-tomatoe sauce, and noodles but it was the name that caught her eye. When the spicy Greek waiter (appropriately named Dimitri) asked RC what she wanted…she replied, “Fuckit Noodles, please.” Dimitri laughed and said, “I’ve never heard it pronounced that way but I like how you say it.” Normally, RC would be embarrased at such a faux-pas but after 2 Cosmos and a Pink Lotus (Vodka and Pomegranate Liquor), she simply smiled.

The night seemed perfect. Friends, a great movie, awesome food, and drinks. What could mess this evening up? As the fabulous women were finishing up their dinner and talking over the remaints of their cocktails, Dimitri appeared and said, “You ladies know that this restaurant turns into a club after 10:00 p.m., right?” RC and the other women looked at each other…the restaurant seemed to be filling up with 20-something hotties ready to boogie down. “Oh geez,” said RC. “I guess the old ladies need to clear out.”

After that buzz-kill, RC and friends dispursed into the night. So there you have it. RC may be fabulous in her forties but when push comes to shove…those crazy nights of clubbing until dawn are gone. F*ck it!

%d bloggers like this: