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A List of Things To Do for Insomniacs

30 Sep
Now that I’m in my mid-forties, I’ve started experiencing insomnia for the first time in my life. It sucks. You are completely exhausted. You can hardly form coherent words. You crash into bed ready to zip off to dreamland. Then…your eyes pop wide open and you couldn’t sleep even if you had lavender aroma-therapy, sounds of crashing waves floating above you, or the most expensive pillow-top mattress in the world.

You have insomnia.

So you lie in bed staring at the ceiling. You toss and turn about 500 hundred times. You try reading, watching TV, or writing down your crazed thoughts because maybe you’ll get to sleep if they’re out of your head. Well, I’ve got better things you can do with that extra time, and when you’re done you’ll be ready to get some ZZZZs:

1) Clean Out Your Car
There are things in there that you don’t even know about. When you can’t sleep is a perfect time to check under the seats, open the trunk (what’s that smell?), and dig around the glove compartment. You might even find some extra money you can use to buy some sleeping pills.

2) Organize Your Sock Drawer
Finally, you have the time to figure out how to keep your socks organized! No more scrambling around to find a match. Pull out all of your socks and find their mates (if only dating was this easy) then throw all the singles away. Fold them nice and neat then place them in the drawer in an orderly fashion. You can even arrange them from darkest to lightest…short to longest…dressy to casual. There are a multitude of things you can do with socks!

3) Declutter Your Email Inbox
How many times have you told yourself, “I’ve got to get all this crap out of my Inbox,” but you’ve never had the time? Here’s a perfect opportunity! Simply go through each of your 1,432 emails and delete those you’ve haven’t looked at for 6 months. Do you really need to keep the email from your Uncle Joe with the blonde jokes? You can dump the email about the concert you wanted to see because that was two weeks ago and you never did anything about it since it got buried in the 500 other emails you got that same day. We are decluttering here people! Work with me!

4) Put Away Decorations from Long-Gone Holidays
You’re a busy person. You don’t have time to put glow-in-the-dark ghosts, Christmas lights, or Easter baskets away in August. You do now. The neighbors will really appreciate not having to explain why reindeer are clustered in a make-shift grave yard while pink bunnies look on in horror in your front yard.

5) Throw Out Soiled Foods in Your Refrigerator
The 12 baking soda boxes are no longer doing the trick. You know you need to dump the rotting whatcha-ma-call-it way in the back of your fridge but you’ve been dreading it. Every time someone opens the door they pass out. Since you’re not sleeping you no longer have an excuse. It has to be done. First make sure you get some work gloves, a mask, and some kitchen tongs. We don’t want anyone to catch Ebola now do we?

Tonight you no longer have to stress about your insomnia. Now you have a handy list of things you can do that will help you stay organized. If you fall asleep while you’re trying to untangle the Christmas lights or  in the midst of handling a moldy piece of casserole, don’t come crying to me. I’ll be organizing my socks.

(Photo: Buzzle)


My Bad

11 May

I have been insanely busy since I got back from Chicago. I may just hop on a plane and go back never to return again!

I know I owe my three blog fans a post about my BFF and the Happy Hour drink as big as her head, but I will have to delay that for a few more days…

…the HORROR!

If you get bored you can always go onto Facebook and get your account hacked so your friends and families will start receiving bogus emails about you being trapped in Wales with no wallet, or a new business opportunity in India. Make your checks payable to: “Idiots, Inc. (a Division of Low-Life Thievery)”.

Thank you to those of you who have stood by me and keep coming back even though there’s nothing new on my blog. You guys are gonna make me cry!

Men with Cramps

6 Jan

This is something I’d like to see: men with cramps.

Today, I am having the MOTHER OF ALL CRAMPS. I have crap-loads of work to do and can barely stand up because the pain is so bad. I took some Advil but it’s not doing diddly-squat. I didn’t take Pamprin because that just puts me to sleep…and I don’t have any Midol.

Something happened to my body after I turned 40 and my uterus is now on a rampage. It sucks BIG TIME!! I’m sure this is just the calm before the menopausal storm. Can’t wait for hot flashes and mood-swings, as if they weren’t bad enough already.

This is why I’d LOVE to see men deal with cramps, PMS, mood swings, hot flashes…they wouldn’t last two seconds.

Now…back to your previously-scheduled programming.

Happy Holidays!

18 Dec
Click the photo to get the full dysfunctional effect.

Happy Holidays to all my blogger buddies! May you all survive dysfunctional family get-togethers! And may all your holidays be filled with the thoughts that they will eventually leave and you won’t have to see them until next year!

Am I Causing All This Chaos?

14 Dec

I had an epiphany this weekend. No, I didn’t hurt myself or anybody else but I realized something that was so obvious, if it was a poisonous snake I would have been dead a long time ago.

I AM THE REASON, or more specifically THE WAY I THINK is the reason why I have problems with anxiety, panic attacks, and Irritable Bowel Syndrome (IBS). *cue Handel’s “Hallelujah Chorus”*

For so long I’ve been searching for the reason why I have these issues either by going to 10,000 doctors or specialists, researching what foods cause me problems, getting acupuncture, chanting mantras, buying herbal remedies, reading 5,001 self-help books…you name it, I’ve tried it. To some degree, these things work for a while but then the problems start all over again. I have wasted so much money, time, and effort on “solving” this problem you would be bored out of your mind if I told you about it all.

It was so weird how it hit me too. My daughter had her BFF spend the night for the first time on Saturday. Everything went fine and they were actually very well behaved. On Sunday morning, the two girls were playing and my son joined them in being pirates looking for treasure. There were toys strewn about, dirty laundry piled up in bins next to the washer and dryer, the entry had wet leaves all over the floor because it was raining and The Hubby kept going in and out to do something, then he pulled out old photo albums from the cupboards in the office and flung them about. I was okay until my son started whining that his sister left him all alone when she and her friend pulled out a scarf and started a loud game of “tug-o-war.” Screaming ensued. Suddenly, I felt the need to clean everything and get the kids under control. I began picking up toys then yelled at the kids to be quiet. I went into the office to shout at The Hubby and ask him why the hell he decided at that moment to rearrange the photo albums. I started a load of laundry. Then I pulled out the vacuum cleaner. This all happened within minutes. And did I feel in control? No. I had the feeling that rabid squirrels were competing for the last nut on the planet in my stomach. Not good.

The kids and The Hubby looked at me like I had lost my mind. I turned to them and said, “Can I get some help here!?” Then they scrambled in separate directions hurrying to get away from the crazy lady with the vacuum. I stopped for a minute and thought to myself, what just happened here? I realized that nothing had really changed. There were still toys everywhere, the wet leaves in the entry, the old photo albums…it was a little quieter but the only thing that really changed was my reaction or perception of these things. I ran back through my thoughts just before I went insane…it is waaaay too chaotic in here! I’d better get control or something bad is going to happen. If I can’t control this, something even worse is going to happen! I have to stop it now!!! Those exact thoughts run through my mind every time I have an anxiety attack or an IBS attack.

In that moment, I knew that I have been causing all the anxiety in my life AND anxiety for my family, which only begets more anxiety. The Hubby and I end up annoyed with each other or arguing who is right…and it gets worse. The kids realize we are arguing and they get all agitated. Then I sometimes have to blow up or leave. It all started with my thoughts.

Now, I have no idea how to go about changing those thoughts because they are as familiar to me as my own hands. I guess the first step is that I’ve realized when they start and that’s something, right?

I’m BAAAAACKKK and I’m on FIRE!!!

29 Aug

We survived Disneyland and the Southern California fires! Why is it that the whole damn summer has been cloudy and cool but when we finally decide to go on vacation hell opens up and wreaks havoc on us??

IT’S FRICKIN’ HOT! And it was HOT, HOT, HOT in Southern California. We fried our a$$es off standing in line at Disneyland in 92 degree weather. We tried to go see Descanso Gardens in La Canada and we got turned away because it was closing due to bad air quality from the fire across the street…oh, and the 98 degree weather. We cooled our heals in Newport Beach in 80 degree weather (unseasonably hot, it’s usually 72 degrees). Then we come home and it’s 95 degrees!

Somebody give me some ice for my head! I’m burning up!

Save Our Asses

5 Aug

This morning I was dropping my kids off at daycare and saw on the local high school sign, “Save Our Schools.” I was reminded of the many causes that use this slogan:

Save our Shores
Save our History
Save our Economy
Save the Whales
Save the Children
Save the World
And on and on and on…

What about Save our Asses? I mean as altruistic as we think we are, doesn’t it come down to our own asses? That’s all we really care about. When the whales are being slaughtered, the children are starving, the economy is blowing up, if your own ass is threatened then that’s all that matters.

The reason I bring this subject to light is I’m disgusted at how the whole healthcare thing in the U.S. is turning into a battle between the “haves” and the “have nots.” It’s been looming on the horizon for years now, but I think the economic class thing has finally reached it’s boiling point. When you talk about the health of a human being and whether or not a person should receive care, you’re talking about life or death struggles. And when certain interest groups or political parties start using scare tactics so they won’t loose control or the upper hand, you’re talking about a war of the classes. I truly believe that is what the whole healthcare debate is about: keeping the rich healthy and rich…keeping the poor sick and poor.

Insurance companies are rich. A lot of people in the U.S. are living below poverty without healthcare, and the gap between the rich and poor seems to widen year after year. I believe that certain interest groups and political parties think that if we offer government healthcare then their standard of living goes down. Perhaps. Perhaps not. No one really knows because it’s never been done here before. But, one cannot look around and see that the current system we have is working…because it’s not.

What about thinking outside the box? What about innovation and creativity? What about trying something no one else has ever tried before? Why do we only have two options: privatized healthcare where insurance companies decide who lives or dies and government run healthcare where bureaucracy determines your level of care? Surely, if we’re smart enough to map the human genome then we’re smart enough to think of a new way to keep ourselves healthy.

By the look of things so far, it appears that our asses are gonna need some help. Don’t be surprised if we start seeing bumper stickers that read, “Save our Asses: We Tried But We’re Too Stupid To Figure It Out.”

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