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My Bad

11 May

I have been insanely busy since I got back from Chicago. I may just hop on a plane and go back never to return again!

I know I owe my three blog fans a post about my BFF and the Happy Hour drink as big as her head, but I will have to delay that for a few more days…

…the HORROR!

If you get bored you can always go onto Facebook and get your account hacked so your friends and families will start receiving bogus emails about you being trapped in Wales with no wallet, or a new business opportunity in India. Make your checks payable to: “Idiots, Inc. (a Division of Low-Life Thievery)”.

Thank you to those of you who have stood by me and keep coming back even though there’s nothing new on my blog. You guys are gonna make me cry!

Motivation-Lacking Monday

9 Nov


Since I have absolutely no creativity to be found today, I decided that this whole week I will dedicate my posts to alliteration days of the week. Why? Who knows? Who cares?

Today, I am lacking serious motivation skills yet I have a house that looks like a million little mutant gremlins ran through it wreaking their havoc, and leaving lots of crumbs in their wake. I have some volunteer duties at my daughter’s school to take care of. I have work to do. I have no snacks in the house (you have no idea of the seriousness of this situation when the children are home). And I have to take a shower. When you have no motivation at all, even taking a shower seems like a gargantuan task.

All I want to do is lay around, eat microwave popcorn, and watch “Dancing with the Stars,” “America’s Next Top Model,” and “Family Guy” episodes on my DVR. What’s a girl to do? Well, I’m writing this post aren’t I? That’s a start!

What the Hell Are You Doing?!

3 Feb


To keep myself honest and on track with my writing career (snicker), I thought I’d update you all on what the hell I’ve been doing over the past few weeks:

1. Writing
2. Surfing the Internet
3. Blogging
4. Writing
5. Surfing the Internet
6. Blogging
7. Writing
8. Surfing the Internet
9. Blogging
10. Occasionally Eating and Sleeping

What have I done with that ground-breaking, stupefying, earth-shattering article I wrote on why we blog? Ummm…well…I read it again.

What have I done on the article I need to organize on our feral cat saving, artistically talented and wondrous Suzanne? Uhhhh….I read the answers she sent me to questions I had.

What have I done on another article I told a dear friend I’d write about the amazing organization she and her husband founded to save wildlife and teach third-world students about ecology? Aaahhhhh…I made a list of magazines that I could sell the article to.

What have I done to finish my book proposal and send it out to agents and publishers? Ummmm….I keep rewriting it because I don’t think it will ever be good enough.

Okay, so basically I haven’t done shit, which is why I’m writing this post. I need someone to kick my ass and tell me to get to work. I need some tough love here people. Will someone please smack me across the head so I’ll stop procrastinating and send something out?! PLEASE!!!

Thank you in advance for your support.

Jobless in America

2 Feb


Everyday I hear more people lamenting about loosing their job. Just this morning, I heard on the radio that people are buying more Spam. You know things are bad when people start buying more Spam…

How bad is this gonna get before it gets better? Well, no one knows. That’s why everybody is running around hording Spam and not buying anything. I think it’s gonna get worse before things turn around. Oh, look! My home state, California, is among the top three states with the highest unemployment rates:

1. Michigan 9.6%
2. Rhode Island 9.3%
3. California 8.4%
4. South Carolina 8.4%
5. Oregon 8.1%
6. District of Columbia 8%
7. Nevada 8%
8. North Carolina 7.9%
9. Georgia 7.5%
10. Alaska 7.3
(source: CNNMoney.com)

I need to pick up some Spam…anyone have a recipe for Spam-kabobs?

C’est La Vie

18 Nov

No. I’m not talking about that awful 80s song by Robbie Nevil. I’m using the term from French which means “It is the life” or more appropriately “That’s life.” The definition that best fits how things are for me right now is “used to express resignation or to express philosophical acceptance of the way things are.”

How are things?

Well, they’re stupid, frustrating, wonderful, funny, idiotic, profound, silly, dull, exciting, boring, difficult, fantastic, lovely, spontaneous, stupifying, pedantic, crazy, calm, chaotic, byzantine, and on and on and on and on.

Of course, things cannot be everything all at once, unless of course you are Oprah Winfrey. I think it’s bizarre how I can be running around one minute (like this morning getting my kids out the door) and then totally bored out of my mind (like right now at work). Go figure. And yes, I get paid to review Web sites for grammar and shit like that.

I’m not exactly sure where this post is going so I think I will stop it now before I do any more damage, or more appropriately before I show you all how much brain damage I actually have. But I will leave you with this question:

Should we send these chickens to the Middle East? They seem pretty good at keeping the peace if you ask me. (You need to watch the video to know what the hell I’m talking about).

http://www.youtube.com/v/ybVb3t560oY&hl=en&fs=1

C’est la vie!

P.S. Thank you to my loyal readers for “standing by” while I worked out my technical difficulties. I should have set out some folding chairs for you all. Oops! My bad.

Random Chick is Having a Pity Party!

3 Sep


*WARNING: All happy, shiny people should NOT read this blog post. You will crumple up into a sad little person who will just sit in the corner sucking your thumb after you read this…you have been warned.*

Hey Folks!

Let’s all get together and have one hellavah Pity Party! What? You don’t know what a pity party is? Tsk tsk! Gather round and I’ll tell ya a tall tale that you won’t believe, and I’ll having you crying in your coffee, just like me! Whoo hoo!

Random Chick is currently in a state of utter and total confusion. She is neither here, nor there. Just kinda in limbo. Isn’t that fun?!

The problem is that Random Chick is a total CONTROL FREAK! She does not like it when things are out of her control. WAHHH!! She lost out on a really good job opportunity. Her career is a long, sad story…however we don’t have time for that nonsense…she is currently working under contract, which will be done by the end of this month so she’ll be outta work with no prospects in site!

Random Chick is also having an existential crisis of sorts because of all this professional upheaval. With her oldest daughter in Kindergarten, she’s toyed with the idea of being a full-time, stay-at-home Mom…but then there are those silly things called bills. There’s also the fact that she is sometimes emotionally unstable, impatient, and not very disciplined so maybe her children would be better off not spending 24/7 with her…she wonders. Plus, having no real schedule or routine is really throwing her internal clock off…you should have seen what she looked like yesterday. As if anyone would go out of the house in sweats, an over-sized Tshirt that says “Where the Hell is Roscoe, Montana?” and wear white socks with sandals and a pink baseball cap to cover up her messy hair! No wonder Random Chick got weird looks when she dropped her daughter off at school!

Then there are all those screwed up thoughts…the ones that keep playing on the radio station in her head…KFKD. The ones that tell her she is turning into a loaf of a woman, who looks like one of those Moms who have given up on herself. The other day, Random Chick noticed her “love handles” in the mirror after getting out of the shower. Her first thought was…”Where the f*ck did those awful things come from?! She also cannot fit into half of the pants in her closet and thinks some gremlin must have replaced them with pants that are two sizes too small! God damn gremlins! KFKD is playing that oldie but goodie, “You Are Getting Fat and Old So Just Quit While You Still Have Control of Your Bodily Functions.” Ahhh yes folks, this is what happens when you buy into all the crap that gets shelled out to us peons by the media. Ain’t it grand?

Are ya feelin’ me? You up for this pity party? C’mon! Join the pathetic fun and share your very own insidious thoughts on KFKD. Who knows…you just might figured out why you are so dysfunctional! Or not.

Wheeeeee!!!!

I Don’t Like Mondays

2 Jun

Okay now…everyone sing together!!

The silicon chip inside her head
Gets switched to overload
And nobody’s gonna go to school today
She’s going to make them stay at home
And daddy doesn’t understand it
He always said she was as good as gold
And he can see no reason
Cos there are no reasons
What reason do you need to be shown

Tell me why
I don’t like Mondays
I want to shoot
The whole day down

The telex machine is kept so clean
As it types to a waiting world
And mother feels so shocked
Father’s world is rocked
And their thoughts turn to
Their own little girl
Sweet 16 ain’t that peachy keen
No, it ain’t so neat to admit defeat
They can see no reasons
Cos there are no reasons
What reason do you need to be shown

Tell me why
I don’t like Mondays
I want to shoot
The whole day down

All the playings stopped in the playground now
She wants to play with her toys a while
And school’s out early and soon we’ll be learning
And the lesson today is how to die
And then the bullhorn crackles
And the captain crackles
With the problems and the how’s and why’s
And he can see no reasons
Cos there are no reasons
What reason do you need to die

The silicon chip …

Tell me why
I don’t like Mondays
I want to shoot
The whole day down

The Boomtown Rats ROCK!!! Hope the blahs don’t get you…

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