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I am a Bitch

31 Mar

Since most of my blog fans are women, this post is for you. Sorry dudes, that’s just how it is. Get over it.

There’s this thing that happens to you that you really can’t control. I’m not talking about every month run-of-the-mill PMS. Been there done that. I’m talking about a raging, heinous, bitchiness so awful that you can’t stand yourself. You hear what you’re saying, something like, “Can’t anyone around here get off their ass and do something?!” Or when a loved one asks you what you’re doing you say, “What the hell do you think I’m doing? EVERYTHING, AS USUAL!!” And you can’t believe those words just fell out of your mouth. It’s like you are possessed by some bitchy entity dead set on making everyone miserable until they’re running for their very lives to get away from you.

Unfortunately, nothing will make it go away. If your family tries to help, it only makes it worse because they’re doing everything wrong. Even a peace offering gets burnt to bits because you don’t want charity, or they should have known that you needed help before you had to ask for it DAMMIT! You might stop to realize what’s going on and you get sick to your stomach. They were just trying to help. Why did you have to rip their heads off, throw them on the floor, and stomp on them? Then the bitch returns. “What are those socks doing on the floor?!” How many times have you told them to pick up their socks and put them in the hamper?! Suddenly, those socks represent every single, careless, thoughtless act anyone has ever dared to pass onto you in this house! “Why can’t you people ever listen to me? Are you deaf? Who threw this banana peel on the floor missing the trash can and just left it there?! Turn off the damn lights when you leave the room! Why are there half-eaten sandwiches in your bedroom closet?! Is this how we live, like animals in a barn?!!”

Something happens to heighten your furious rage. You spill your coffee all over the floor, and that’s it. You entire world is f*cked. You run from the room huffing and puffing. In your bedroom, you slam the door, and plop down on the bed. After a moment or two, your sense of control returns and you realize that you just reenacted the worst diva gone mad soap opera scene in the history of the world. Why can’t I stop this from happening!? Am I losing my mind? Will my family hate me forever? The tears pour down like a violent rain storm, your chest heaving as it rocks your entire body. The bitch has been exorcised. And you are once again you.

Wiping off the tears, you trudge back to your shocked and appalled family who flinch as you enter the room. You can see your youngest child wince as you open your mouth to speak. “I am very sorry for the way I acted. You did not deserve that. I love you all very much. Can you forgive me?” One of your children walks up to you, gives you a hug, and says, “I get really mad sometimes too, Mommy. It’s okay.”

Yes, I am a bitch. Admitting it is half the battle.

A Message From Our Sponsor

3 Feb

Tired? Cranky? Bloated? Constipated? Diarrhea? Gas? Rashes in bizarre places?

Sounds like you’ve got problems! Or you might be a Random Chick. In any case, we need to let you loyal readers (all 4 of you) know that Random Chick is taking a wee bit of a hiatus because if she doesn’t she will surely ram something up your…well, somewhere uncomfortable. Please don’t cry. It only makes a mess.

Due to massive weight gain, tantrums, eternal dirty laundry, bits of crap, and other horrendously mundane aspects of life, Random Chick requires a bit of perspective. Don’t ask, don’t tell, okay? She also doesn’t want to be left out. It seems that some of her favorite bloggers are having a secret meeting to take over the Internet somewhere in Saskatchewan as most of them are also taking a hiatus. What else could they be doing? Isn’t blogging the only thing there is?

Random Chick will be back after she has eaten all the crappy chocolate she can get her hands on. Anywhoo, don’t be surprised if you see a severely PMS’d woman running through Walmart looking for directions to Saskatchewan. You’re free to tag along if you’d like.

We take no responsibility for ensuing panic attacks…you’ll have to medicate yourself or figure out some other way to get along without the fascinatingly, witty and insightful drivel found on this blog. NO animals were harmed in the writing of this post. Except that cockroach. He had it coming.


4 Dec

Random Chick is Having a Pity Party!

3 Sep

*WARNING: All happy, shiny people should NOT read this blog post. You will crumple up into a sad little person who will just sit in the corner sucking your thumb after you read this…you have been warned.*

Hey Folks!

Let’s all get together and have one hellavah Pity Party! What? You don’t know what a pity party is? Tsk tsk! Gather round and I’ll tell ya a tall tale that you won’t believe, and I’ll having you crying in your coffee, just like me! Whoo hoo!

Random Chick is currently in a state of utter and total confusion. She is neither here, nor there. Just kinda in limbo. Isn’t that fun?!

The problem is that Random Chick is a total CONTROL FREAK! She does not like it when things are out of her control. WAHHH!! She lost out on a really good job opportunity. Her career is a long, sad story…however we don’t have time for that nonsense…she is currently working under contract, which will be done by the end of this month so she’ll be outta work with no prospects in site!

Random Chick is also having an existential crisis of sorts because of all this professional upheaval. With her oldest daughter in Kindergarten, she’s toyed with the idea of being a full-time, stay-at-home Mom…but then there are those silly things called bills. There’s also the fact that she is sometimes emotionally unstable, impatient, and not very disciplined so maybe her children would be better off not spending 24/7 with her…she wonders. Plus, having no real schedule or routine is really throwing her internal clock off…you should have seen what she looked like yesterday. As if anyone would go out of the house in sweats, an over-sized Tshirt that says “Where the Hell is Roscoe, Montana?” and wear white socks with sandals and a pink baseball cap to cover up her messy hair! No wonder Random Chick got weird looks when she dropped her daughter off at school!

Then there are all those screwed up thoughts…the ones that keep playing on the radio station in her head…KFKD. The ones that tell her she is turning into a loaf of a woman, who looks like one of those Moms who have given up on herself. The other day, Random Chick noticed her “love handles” in the mirror after getting out of the shower. Her first thought was…”Where the f*ck did those awful things come from?! She also cannot fit into half of the pants in her closet and thinks some gremlin must have replaced them with pants that are two sizes too small! God damn gremlins! KFKD is playing that oldie but goodie, “You Are Getting Fat and Old So Just Quit While You Still Have Control of Your Bodily Functions.” Ahhh yes folks, this is what happens when you buy into all the crap that gets shelled out to us peons by the media. Ain’t it grand?

Are ya feelin’ me? You up for this pity party? C’mon! Join the pathetic fun and share your very own insidious thoughts on KFKD. Who knows…you just might figured out why you are so dysfunctional! Or not.


Bitches R Us

2 Sep

I’m feeling particularly bitchy today. Lucky you. Therefore, I present to you Bitches R Us…a stroll through history with some famous bitches:

#5 Eve
Bitch-0-Meter: Stupid Bitch
Known for: Tempting Adam to taste a fruit from the Tree of Knowledge and getting on the bad side of God.

#4 Delilah
Bitch-0-Meter: Conniving Bitch
Known for: Selling out Samson for money by cutting his hair and making him a total wuss.

#3 Marie Antoinette
Bitch-0-Meter: Rich Bitch
Known for: Telling the poor and starving to eat cake, then getting her head wacked off for treason.

#2 Imelda Marcos
Bitch-0-Meter: Extravagant Bitch
Known for: Having 1060 pairs of shoes and 888 hand bags…oh, and for not paying taxes, ever.

#1 Ann Coulter
Bitch-0-Meter: Loud-mouth Bitch
Known for: Saying stupid shit from a myopic-conservative viewpoint often contradicting herself.

Who would you elect as your top five bitches in history? Do tell.

BitchFest 2008

20 Jun

Welcome to Random Chick’s First-ever BitchFest 2008!

May I have your attention please!

We’ve had some Bitch Wine.
We’ve heard visionary bitch-ness.
We got peed on by Oprah’s bitchy dog.
We’ve bitched and moaned.

Now, it is time to announce the weiner of the CAPTION CONTEST! First, THANK YOU to everyone who entered. It was a daunting task, I know. You all faired well, but only ONE can be the weiner. Drum roll pleeeeeese……


The two honorable mentions are:

Just Bob

Let’s hear it for these intrepid bloggers who dared to enter the Caption Contest!!! Woot!

For those of you who have not yet enjoyed BitchFest 2008…please read on!

What is BitchFest 2008, you ask?
Well, if any of you have ever been to a trade show, home & garden show, bridal show, auto show…then you are familiar with the format. It’s a show dedicated to everything bitch. This could be referring to the noun, as in “Look at that bitch, she’s so full of herself!” It could be a pet name such as, “Get my sandwhich, bitch.” Or it could be relating to a female dog such as, “Get your crapping bitch off my lawn!” Or it could be the verb as in, “Stop all your bitching and moaning!”

Some of the most world-famous bitches are here. You must take this opportunity to hear their visionary bitch-ness. We are so very lucky to have with us as our keynote speaker, esteemed bitch emeritus, Janice Dickinson!

Janice will be speaking on “Bitchiness in the 21st Century: How To Do It Right You Bitches!” Truly, an insipiration!

Our next speaker has definitely done his fair share of bitching as well as probably dated some bitches too…it is none other than Simon Cowell.

Simon will be speaking on…ummmm, Simon I think your body guard wants to tell you something. Did you fart? Oh, sorry…his topic will be “Get Out of My Face You No-Talented Bitch.”

This next speaker needs no introduction. Paris Hilton will give an inspiring speech from her own life’s story “Rich Bitches Have Feelings Too”

Paris, I know your boobs are interesting, but the audience is over here…

We have a very special speaker up next…he, well…ummm, she…Oh, WTF…RuPaul! This cross-dresser extroidinaire will reveal “Bitch Beauty Secrets” in a live demonstration. Ladies and gentleman please stand back and wear your rain coats…I have no idea what’s going to happen here.

Finally, I am honored to introduce one of Oprah’s dogs…Ummm…Oprah, you can put her down now.

Oprah, she wants to come up here! Let her go!
*tries to wrestle the dog from Oprah, she wacks RC on the head*
DAMN! Oh forget it! The last thing I wanna do is get into a cat fight with Oprah over her dog!

Oh WOW! Here come the BitchFest dancers!!!

Aren’t they just wonderful!? Now, let’s take a stroll down the vendor isles to see what innovative bitch products are represented at this fabulous event:

Bitch Wine
For those wine lovers who love to bitch, why not try Bitch Grenache? You can read a thorough review here. Wanna try a taste? Whine not! Ha ha ha!

Bitch Pills
Your Pitbull needs some supplements…she’s looking a bit bitchy! Here are some pre-natal pills so she’ll be healthy before she makes more little bitches.

Total Bitch Body Wash
Rule the day and add explosive suds to a hot-tempered shower. Every bitch needs this stuff.

EX-Voodoo Knife Set
Our inner bitches definitely come out when it comes to EXes. Take out your agression with this handy little device.

Of course for your bitching and moaning, you need one of these. Who would listen to your incessant whining if not for your megaphone?

And here is your crappy tchotchke (now you know how to spell tchotchke) trinket for attending!

Thank you for coming…now, go f*ck yourself!

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